Friday, February 27, 2009

I miss you

Tonight I'm just missing my mom...

Big tears drip down my face. I want to call her so bad. I can hear the conversation in my head. "Hey mom, whatcha doin?" I'd ask. She'd probably reply that she was finishing cleaning up the kitchen, or maybe just finishing up a writing project.

I just want to hear her voice, so positive and happy sounding.

Maybe I can sneak a call to my parent's house and catch the answering machine, which still has her voice on it. "Your call is important, please leave a message." To hear her voice, so clear and ALIVE. It was the voice untouched by cancer.

Very soon my dad will be changing his answering machine, I know it's time, he knows it's time. We all know. I just want to hold on to something from the past. I just feel like telling her, "ok mom, I'm really tired of you being gone. Can you just come back now?"

The more days and months that go by, the more normal it feels for her to be gone. I'm getting used to her not being here, and I hate that. Part of my heart doesn't want to know what it feels like to go on.

I keep thinking how this time last year was her last really good moments. The doctors explained how she would have a window of time after the radiation which she would be at her best before she would rapidly decline. Oh how short that window was!

Thank God I got there during some of that window and had some great moments with her. I remember when I had to say goodbye in the Orlando airport and just walk away. How can you walk away knowing that could be it? I wish I could jump back in time and run back to her in the airport and never let go.

But I couldn't do that then, and I can't have her back now...

My heartfelt prayer: Dear Jesus, I really miss her. Could you do me a favor and find her there in heaven and give her a big hug and tell her it's from me? Can you tell her I miss her and love her? Thanks. Love, Jennifer

9 comments:

Lisa said...

I KNOW JUST HOW YOU FEEL. MY PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU SWEETIE. LET GOD COMFORT YOUR HEART.

HUGS FROM MAINE

http://sophie4me.blogspot.com/

Granddaddy Dykes said...

Jennifer your feelings for your Mom are so very natural and you express them very well. May the Holy Spirit, who is our comforter, comfort you as only He can.

You are a wonderfully sweet Granddaughter.

Love ya,

Granddaddy Dykes

Anonymous said...

Wow, I just posted a comment on Mom's blog and then I read your post. I was feeling the same thing and briefly left her the same comments you expressed. It's unbelievable she's gone. --Julie

Anonymous said...

I so miss your mother. I didn't know her except through the blog, but I loved the heart of her blog. Sadly, your dad's is just not the same. So I find myself turning to your mom's older posts and yours. It is a great comfort, I am not ready to move on either. Praying for you!

Anonymous said...

I so miss your mother. I didn't know her except through the blog, but I loved the heart of her blog. Sadly, your dad's is just not the same. So I find myself turning to your mom's older posts and yours. It is a great comfort, I am not ready to move on either. Praying for you!

THOMBU1 said...

Same prayer I have prayed about my Mom and Dad. It does get easier with time, but don't let yourself feel bad if time heals too much. That is normal. But there are times when I cannot remember what Mom sounded like, and I start feelig guilty, and then there are times I can almost hear her say my name. Memories are like faith, they too can be the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen. We see with eyes of the soul images of bygone days, and we hear with ears of the soul the delights of yesterday.

Jennifer said...

Lisa, Thanks for your comforting words. What great hope we have in Him.

Granddaddy, Thanks for reading and commenting. It's comforting to hear from you. I love you.

Anonymous, Yes I miss her blog too. I'm so glad we have it, and can "hear" her voice through it.

Thom, When did you lose your parents? Beautiful words.

Anonymous said...

Jennifer, after my dad died it was time to sell the family home. Both my parents were in heaven, but I can remember calling the house one more time after we had emptied it of possessions, locked it up, and driven home.

I just wanted to dial that familiar number again. It rang and rang--the phone co. had not yet turned it off. So I phoned again two weeks later and heard a recording. "This number is no longer in service."I found out later my brother had done the same thing.

Our love for our parents never fades. It makes me all the more eager for heaven someday.

DayleShockley said...

Your loving words for your mom brought tears to my eyes. My parents are on up in age and I know one day they will leave me. I can't imagine losing a parent so young. Even though I only knew your mom through her blog, I still miss her presence very much. Like "Anonymous" above, I'm just not ready to move on. Eventually, I will be able to read and enjoy your dad's new blog, but not just yet. I'm very happy for him though.