I haven't been able to post in awhile, I guess I needed to get my thoughts together first. I had a stand still for a few weeks with God. Of course it was self imposed, thankfully God lovingly stood by me. Patiently waiting...isn't He a good God?
My son Lorenzo had a febrile seizure last month. It was completely unexpected. My husband was out of town and I went to bed early and woke at 10:30pm when he cried out. I went to check on him and he was in the middle of a full blown seizure. I didn't realize in that moment it was a seizure, I thought he'd had a stroke. It looked horrific with foam coming out of his mouth and his little body contorted and his eyes rolled back in his head. I kind of lost my mind for a moment and went to a place I wouldn't wish on anyone. I thought for sure he was either dead or going to be brain dead. Neighbors called 911 and I realized he was burning up from fever and it was a seizure, I got him into a cold tub and he stopped jerking although he stayed in a contorted state with eyes rolled back for more than 30 minutes. The police rushed us to the ER and I learned there he would be completely fine and have no lasting effects whatsoever from the seizure. I stood in the ER barefoot, in pajama's and sobbed with relief into my sister-in-law's arms. It was a horrific and life changing night for me for sure. It felt like I went to hell and back, there was one point I clearly remember (although really the whole night is etched forever in my mind) as I stood over my sweet baby Lorenzo and watched him seizing in the tub I screamed out to Jesus and was met with...silence. There was absolutely no sense of God's presence at all, and I realized if Lorenzo died or had lasting damage from the seizure that it wouldn't be okay. I would not be able to say "it is well with my soul."
And so this started my stand still with God. Not for a moment did I question the reality of God, even though I didn't sense Him in my need. It was realizing that I'm not in control and if something happens to my precious babies it is NOT going to be alright with me. I didn't feel like talking to God about it, because really how can you tell God "you know what God, it's not okay that you are in charge and in control and if you mess with me I'm not going to be happy about it." But after I sulked for a few weeks I finally decided to tell Him what I thought. Of course He wasn't surprised! ha ha!
But you know what I got the surprise! Instead of Him telling me to come back when I was ready to hand over the reins and get over my haughtness; He wrapped His arms around me and comforted me! You know what He said? He whispered into my heart how He once LOST a son and witnessed His son's horrific death and He knew exactly how I felt. He understood how it wasn't okay. My emotion wasn't new, it didn't shock Him! He just loved on me, and with that I was able to let the pain of the memory start to fade.
I don't know why that night happened. I don't know how parents handle the death of a child. I learned that night that I wouldn't be able to handle it and thankfully I didn't have to go through that. But I do know this, we have an amazing God that is always there, just waiting to lavish love on us and longing to help us. The question is, will we let Him?