Wednesday, February 20, 2008


It seems that God just won't let me forget what He's promised me.

Just recently I've seen maybe four or five rainbows. That's very unusual to me.

The other day I was feeling down and looked out my kitchen window. There before me was the biggest rainbow I've ever seen. Just beautiful! It was like God reaching down and gently reminding me what He promised from the very beginning of this cancer journey with my mom. He promised He would never leave me. No matter what happened, He would be there.

Some days I don't feel like praying. Some days I don't feel like doing anything. But even then He doesn't leave me.

I'm learning that God is even more amazing than I ever thought, and I had a pretty high opinion of Him before.

It's pretty amazing that when I'm at my lowest, He reaches down and just loves on me. At times I can feel myself being held by Him.

Monday, February 11, 2008

An honest question with a pure heart

Dear Jesus,
Why does my mom have to die now? Why does my mom have rare brain cancer? Why does such a bright, loved, wonderful, needed person have to die so young?

Dear Jesus,
This hurts so much. I wake in the night and can't sleep. It hits me all over again. My mother has cancer and is going to die. My throat gets tight, burns and I feel sick to my stomach.

Dear Jesus,
Yesterday my four year old, Claudia, said to me "mommy, I don't want my Nanna to die. I LOVE Nanna and she loves me too."

Dear Jesus,
Do you hear that? Claudia doesn't want her Nanna to die, she loves her and Nanna loves Claudia. They have a very special bond. Claudia is her only granddaughter.

Dear Jesus,
Why don't you heal my mom? Right now? Just go and heal her. I know you can do it, so why don't you? You gave me my mother, you know how close we are. You know what she means to me and to our family. Why? Why now?

Dear Jesus,
I know you can't answer my questions right now. I don't really expect answers. But by asking you these tough questions I am telling you how much this hurts and I give the problem to you. You can take the pain, the fear, the doubts, the hurt. I feel your compassion and your love for me and I trust you completely. Your love and peace is so good that I will follow you even when you lead me into the shadow of death with my best friend, my mother.

Love, Jennifer

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Vistors from Friendly Atheist:

I am amazed anyone from from Friendly Atheist would be interested in my story. Due to some recent comments I felt the need to post directly to these new readers.

My mother has a glioblastoma multimforme brain tumor. Stage 4 terminal cancer, given 6-9-12 months to live. I ask that you don't come on here and call me names. I receive immense peace from my faith during this terrible time and I don't see any harm in that. I respect everyone has a right to their own beliefs, I'm not interested in converting you. In fact despite what you may think my goal isn't even to convert my husband.

This blog is from MY point of view. How I see things. I've never quoted my husband wrong or lied. He did say (almost 3 years ago) he would divorce me if continued going to church, but I asked him not to do that and like I said our marriage has been restored. I believe due to prayer and devine intervention. I've not added all conversations of what he's said, it would simply be too long.

My husband does NOT define himself as an atheist. He simply says he doesn't believe in ANY God. When you die it's like you go to sleep forever. Beyond that he doesn't know or care to know. I use the term atheist because to me that defines someone who does not believe in God or a God or a higher power.

I just asked my husband if he believed that trade came from God. His words were "I think it was skill and coincidence." His exact words.

Today is my 10th wedding aniversary and we are happily married, he knows about my blog. He knew my parents were ministers when we married but I was away from my faith (not an atheist) so religion and issues of faith were not an issue.

I am very open regarding my faith because I feel I have nothing to hide. We all have what I believe is a God given right to believe whatever we want.

Sunday, February 03, 2008

An atheist puts faith into action!

Guess what God has gone and done now?

You'll never guess!

Two weeks ago I requested offering envelopes from my church. Each person is assigned a number and they give you a box of envelopes with your number and predated for each Sunday.

I had it in my heart to give something to my church. I've never been able to give much over the years, just a $20 in the offering plate here or there. My atheist husband almost divorced me over attending church, no way would he allow me to give money to church. Instead I've given my time, helping with the Ladies Bible study. Teaching Sunday school.

But God put a desire in my heart to give some money. I took that thick box of envelopes and looked down at it and said to myself "what am I going to do with these? I have no money to give." Instead I gave my desire to God. I prayed: "God, You see my heart but know I have nothing. So You are going to have to work a miracle and give me some money so I can give. And not only that but You're going to have to get my husband to give me his blessing, because I won't give behind his back."

I left it at that and didn't worry. I put all the pressure on God, knowing there was no way I could do all that. Only Him.

A week later my husband, a stock broker mentioned he made a little bit of money in a trade and I replied "well that doesn't surprise me, because I prayed God would give us some money." I almost mentioned to him "just wait and see what God is going to do next!" But I don't claim to have profetic words so I kept it to myself.

Thursday morning my husband walked into the kitchen grinning ear to ear and said "Your prayers are working! I've just made a decent amount of money on one single trade." Anyone see the financial news of Yahoo being bought by Microsoft? ; )

He danced around the kitchen and I replied "Ok, now I'm gonna tell you." I pulled out my box of envelopes and told him the whole story of how I wanted to give some money to my church but didn't have any. So I prayed God would give me money to give. My prayer had been answered and less than two weeks later at that! God works fast!

I explained to my husband that God loves him very much and wants to bless him beyond what he can even dream of. This was just the start! I explained how when God gives us money like this, especially a direct answer to a prayer, we have to KEEP OUR HAND OPEN. Give it back to God and the flow will keep going. If we take the money and close our fist, the flow is stopped. (I learned that from a dear family in my parents church, the Santiago's.)

I told my husband I wanted him to decide on the amount to give back to God. But I told him "remember what you give will effect what you get back!" Trust God and let Him show you how He loves you!

This morning my husband wrote out a check. I won't say the amount. That actually doesn't matter, but it was more than I thought he'd give.

I put the check in my envelope dated February 3rd and told my husband "You have just put faith into action!" You have trusted God and now wait and see what He will do with that faith!

I can't tell you the JOY I felt at being able to give back to God what He gave me through a miracle! There are no words to describe that feeling! It was almost 3 years ago my husband said he would leave me if I continued attending church and now my husband wrote out a check and gave money to God! WHAT A MIRACLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!