Monday, February 11, 2008

An honest question with a pure heart

Dear Jesus,
Why does my mom have to die now? Why does my mom have rare brain cancer? Why does such a bright, loved, wonderful, needed person have to die so young?

Dear Jesus,
This hurts so much. I wake in the night and can't sleep. It hits me all over again. My mother has cancer and is going to die. My throat gets tight, burns and I feel sick to my stomach.

Dear Jesus,
Yesterday my four year old, Claudia, said to me "mommy, I don't want my Nanna to die. I LOVE Nanna and she loves me too."

Dear Jesus,
Do you hear that? Claudia doesn't want her Nanna to die, she loves her and Nanna loves Claudia. They have a very special bond. Claudia is her only granddaughter.

Dear Jesus,
Why don't you heal my mom? Right now? Just go and heal her. I know you can do it, so why don't you? You gave me my mother, you know how close we are. You know what she means to me and to our family. Why? Why now?

Dear Jesus,
I know you can't answer my questions right now. I don't really expect answers. But by asking you these tough questions I am telling you how much this hurts and I give the problem to you. You can take the pain, the fear, the doubts, the hurt. I feel your compassion and your love for me and I trust you completely. Your love and peace is so good that I will follow you even when you lead me into the shadow of death with my best friend, my mother.

Love, Jennifer

16 comments:

Nathansma said...

Hi Jennifer,

I don't get it either and I don't have any magic words that will make you feel better or make your mom better. But, I do know that the peace He gives us us truly without understanding. Continuing to pray for you and your entire family in Jamaica.

Carla Blount Hood

P.S. As and after thought, I thought you might like to know who I am. I think we were together at Southeastern sometime between '85 - '88. Also, I worked for your Uncle Don Woods at Southwest Middle School. My husband and I are missionaries to Jamaica now. If interested you can visit www.nathansma.blogspot.com to learn more.

Anonymous said...

Hi Jennifer, I'm writing from St. Augustine, Fl, where I'm at work today, but live in Jacksonville.

Your mom critiqued my very first book giving me some very much needed insight into writing. She is such a thorough person and sets very high standards for herself and her writing, but I'm sure you know that. I have great memories of meeting her in the Library and she would stand up and put into action what I had written to see if it would work. She is so animated.

Your post reminded me of something I heard Joyce Meyer say, Why God Why?

I do know one thing God does answer prayer and he does answer spoken questions. So I know he will give you an answer to all your questions when you least expect to hear from him.

My prayers are with you and your family. Keep the faith. One of the scriptures I keep on my desk is Samuel 22:33, God is my strength and power, and he makes my way perfect.
He will do the same for you.

Many Blessings
B.J. Brooks (Robinson)

Shana said...

praying for your mom, you and your family, all the way over here in seattle.

Anonymous said...

Jennifer, my heart breaks for you.
I have lost my mother and I relate so well to your questons. All I can offer is my continued prayers that you will feel held--just as Natalie Grant's song describes in her song, "Held":

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

conisong said...

Dear Jennifer, Thank you for your honesty. I wish we knew the answers. Still praying for your Mom and your whole family.
Sincerely in Christ,
Coni Andress

Dad said...

Jesus told us to take our burdens to Him. They are not too heavy for Him. He understands the "Why" word better than any of us for He asked His Father "Why" too.

As your earthly father, my heart aches for you and Julie. If I had it in my power, I would change all this today.

Until He changes it, we will trust Him.

I have prayed faithfully for you all your life--my prayers are even more passionate now.

Love, Dad

christine said...

Jennifer I know this may be of little comfort to you in this time, but even though none of us can answer why or understand what is happening to this wonderful woman you are blessed to call "Mom", the faith and strength your entire family is showing the world through all of this is helping so many people. I personally know that I am challanged everyday to grow my faith more like that of your family. You and your family are blessing more lives than you can even imagine. As I said that may be of very little comfort to you, but I just wanted to share that you are helping so many others through your own trial. God is amazing and he does have a plan and pourpose. My prayers are with you each and every day.

Lisa Taylor said...

Jennifer,
I was a student at SE and attended Bartow First Assembly of God when your family came as the new pastors so many years ago:) I have babysat for you and Julie, your parents had me for many meals, invited me to do laundry at your home, performed our wedding ceremony, and on and on the list goes. I have such a love and respect for your dad and mom. What an impact they made on my life! I would like you to know that I am praying for peace, strength, and comfort for you! I do want you to know, too, that my family and my church family (my husband pastors in AL), is praying for you, your parents, and Julie. One of my favorite verses is Psalm 61:1-3 "Hear my cry,O God: attend unto my prayer. From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee. When my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For thou hast been a shelter for me, and a strong tower from the enemy." The part that ministers to me deeply is "when my heart is overwhelmed" because sometimes I don't even know what I want to ask or say to our Heavenly Father--but He understands and is our rock.
You have many, many people who are interceding for your family!
Much love and Many prayers,
Lisa (Bowman) Taylor

Jennifer said...

Carla, I remember you! I was a student at Southwest during the time the coach unexpectedly died. Then a short while later the guidance counclier was hit by a drunk driver and died. I don't remember her name but I'll never forget her face. I remember you were close friends with her and it was very tragic. If I remember correctly she was a christian, right? Thank you for your comments and support.

B.J., Thank you for your prayers and scripture. It made me feel so good to hear the kind words you said about my mom.

Jennifer said...

Shana, Wow! How neat to know someone so far away is praying for me! Thank you and may God richly bless you!

Anonymous, Beautiful song! I'm sorry you've lost your mother, it's such a tragic and painful thing. I pray God gives you comfort and peace on this day.

Jennifer said...

Coni, Thank you for commenting and praying for us, it means the world!

Christine, It does bring great comfort to know that! It gives me strength to continue on. Can you give me your email address I would love to email with you!

Jennifer said...

Lisa, Of course I remember you! I love looking at the Christmas cards of your beautiful miracle girl that you send each year to my parents home. My mom puts all her cards on display and I love "catching" up on the lives of friends and family! Thank you for commenting. It means the world to me to have so much love, prayer and support. During my dark times I can feel the prayers of others helping to lift me up when I am unable or unwilling to pray.

Nathansma said...

Yes Jennifer, you remember correctly. I was the one driving the vehicle when the guidance counselor was killed. We were hit from behind by a drunk driver. Her name was Charla Bauers and no she did not profess to be a Christian. It took a long time for me to get beyond that one, but God, in all his grace and mercy helped me through it. Glad to read on your mom's blog that she has had 2 good days in a row. My mom is a breast cancer survivor. NOTHING is impossible for God!

Carla Blount Hood

Anonymous said...

Jenny - I am sitting here crying for you and your family. I will pray for you all daily. I can't answer "why" either -
But I am so glad you have your faith and your family to help you through whatever happens.

God Bless.
Susan

Anonymous said...

Dear Jenny,
I don't really know how you feel, the anticipation of the unknown. But I do know what it is like to loose a mom to a brutal murder in which I found her one summer morning in August of 1995. I was horrified and I too wanted to know why? How could someone do this to my mom. Whom loved me so much I was her only daughter and very close to her. I have 5 beautiful grown children now but at that time I had 8,10,11,13, and 15 year old children and they were very close to her. But I can tell you this that God has NEVER left me in the days after her death I remember the sadness and the days when I felt alone and wanted to call my mom but could not for she was no longer here, God restored my life with a Hope, PEace and Joy that no one can fill only he can, Yes I do have many questions but I can actually answer a few after so many years since her death. GOd has led me into a prison ministry (OF all things whom thought I would ever do this) I have a heart of forgiveness and I do forgive the man whom killed her that day, he is currently serving on Death ROw, My prayer for him is that he asks The Lord for forgivness and comes to know Jesus as his Personal Saviour for the Lord loves us all and wishes none would perish, when I came to your site today I can see the love you have for your mom and the love that you have for JESUS! God is so good and I feel as though your mom is being healed daily as she walks with the Lord, that he has a GREAT Purpose and Plan in mind for her, look at your mom's strength and look at her Joy, she is an amazing woman...GOd is THe Great Physician and the Healer and he can do anything continue to trust him for her healing today and I will too, That Our Heavenly Father will touch her and heal her body now in Jesus name restore to her what the devil has stolen; for he is a liar and the Lord says whenever two or more agree it shall be done SO I agree with you this day that your mom is healed in JEsus name, Be Strong and know that GOd cares about every detail of your life!! God BLess you and I am keeping you in my prayers. I look to the hilss from where my help comes it comes from the LOrd. When I walk through the fire I will not be burned when the waters sweep over me I will not be swept away for I am the Lord your GOd!!!! I am not sure exactly how it goes but anyway Know HE IS GOD AND HE IS THERE!!
Jane (missjabberjane@hotmail.com)

Anonymous said...

The verse is I look to the HIlls from whence cometh my help, My Help comes from the Lord..SOrry I messed that up. May you know that so many care and are praying for your family. Jane