The Healing Room

Yesterday I went with my mother to a place called The Healing Room. It's a unique place where one can go and receive ministry regarding healing. They pray with you and have a room of worship.

I was very intrigued by the name and I was surprised by what I experienced. We went to a house that had several rooms set up for prayer. One room had dark wine colored drapes over the windows and a large cross in the corner with a wine colored cloth draped across. Soft worship music played in the background and a picture of a radiant Jesus welcoming a bride into the wedding feast hung on the wall. Small rocking chairs that sat directly on the floor (no legs) created a relaxing atmosphere. A candle burned under another picture of Jesus. Right away I could feel a sense of awe mixed with peace and a sweetness in the place.

In another room we watched a 20 minute dvd on healing, won't go into details there but once again I was surprised by what I heard. Then, four prayer warriors led my mother and father off to another room for a time of prayer and ministry.

The rest of us there went into the worship room with the cross. First off, I picked one of those rocking chairs, hey might as well be comfy when you pray, right? I must not have sat right because the thing was kind of C shaped and I fell back and almost landed with my feet over my head. Good thing I had pants on! Thankfully everyone seemed deep in prayer.

Right away I tried praying but couldn't! Isn't that odd? I thought, now here I am in a special prayer room and all I feel is silence in my soul! I tried over and over, praying different ways, praying different things. But all I was getting was silence. So then I decided, well if I'm not storming the gates of heaven like I thought I would be, I might as well just sit back in this rocking chair and relax, maybe take a nap! JK! So I stretched back, kicked my legs out in front of me and relaxed my whole body and just got real comfy! As I sat there listening to everyone pray around me, something started happening. It was like my soul became a sponge. I didn't have to pray or say or do anything. I opened my palms face up and it was as if those prayers became my own. A peace that I can't describe came all over me. Time stopped. Anxiety stopped. My thoughts stopped and my soul saw a slice of heaven and I saw God. I saw the God of I AM! He just was. Everyone was worshipping Him and I felt the presence of Jesus. I involuntarily smiled, I couldn't help it! He was so sweet. My heart started racing, the thought crossing my mind that if I were older I'd probably have a heart attack because my physical body couldn't handle His glory. Soon it felt like my heart would beat out of my chest and then I starting getting afraid. As quick as my heart started beating like crazy, it stopped and I felt it's familiar comforting rhythm. I felt myself slipping back into this old world and I remember saying to God, "Oh God, I'm young, my heart is young, I can handle some more!" "Give me more!"

It was quite an amazing experience and I learned some very healing things myself! I'll have to share them in another post for another day.

I guess what surprised me most was learning that God just is! All He has for me is already there. All He has done for me has already been done. I just have to receive it! Yesterday was about learning how to receive.

The name Jesus

Even the name Jesus brings such peace. Sometimes when I don't know what or how to pray I just pray His name. There is something about saying His name that causes a change in me and yesterday I saw the same thing at work with my children.

We were driving in the car and Lorenzo, my 2 year, was screaming. He's been having a hard time adjusting to all that's going on. He's also going through the terrible two's. He's been having screaming fits where nothing helps, and I've tried it all so it seems. It suddenly came to me to just pray for him. So I told Claudia my 3 year old, "Claudia, let's pray for Lorenzo."

So I prayed "Dear Jesus, help Lorenzo!" As soon as I said the name Jesus he instantly calmed down. I continued to pray asking Jesus to help Him. To my surprise Claudia started praying too! And not just coping what I was saying, she had her own unique prayer. Her prayer was "Jesus touch Lorenzo's heart." And "God help Lorenzo with your son."

Instantly I felt the peace of Jesus and I KNOW those children did too. There really is "just something about the name of Jesus." Hey isn't that an old song?

God and GBM

GBM stands for Glioblastoma Mulitiforme. Grade four brain cancer. Terminal. No cure and no way out. Has anyone survived? When asked the doctor replied, "What do you mean by survival?" One doctor looked in my eyes and said "When GBM is small, contained and completely removed the patient could live many more years.

My mother's GBM is large, not contained and spread throughout. When my Dad and I sat the doctors office and heard once again how brutal GBM is, we caught each other eyes and unspoken the look was "Oh God!"

The more I've thought about GBM and studied it, the more it has seemed that in the natural GBM is bigger than God. If it were any other cancer, any other type I could see...but GBM?

I've struggled in my heart about what God is up too, what His will is in all this but I've decided I'm not going to worry about that anymore. He can have His plan, His will and I'm going to have His HOPE.

The fact is God IS bigger than GBM!!! And GBM IS UNDER SUBMISSION TO OUR GOD!!! That tumor has to submit to God! I call it out by name and with the healing power of the name of Jesus command it to submit and in the same breath I cry out to my merciful God for a miracle. Kristy Dykes still has work for the kingdom and a life of purpose left and I ask for mercy and more time God!

With that I'm not going to worry anymore about the question "Can He, Will He?" I'm going forward with eternal hope. I'm convinced without hope there isn't life. I heard Him speak that into my heart, without hope there isn't life.

VOMIT

What a yucky title but it's what God has put into my heart today so I'll share about vomit! lol

Proverbs 26:11 As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his folly.

So, I stumbled across this little gem the other day and gasp surely this proverb couldn't have anything to do with me! lol I'd like to think I'm no fool so could quickly pass over this tiny passage. But surprise! Vomit can have something to do with even the squeaky clean. It's when you turn your life over to God that it becomes surprising, the places in our hearts He wants to enter. I'll be honest, there are some places I don't want to be bothered with.

On the other hand I've been praying for God to give me wisdom. It's what my soul craves. I want more from God. I'm expecting more. I want more love. I want more peace. I want to feel Him in the sweetness of peaceful sleep. I want to wake with the sweet fragrance of Him. I want Him to embrace me. I want to experience Him with every single sense that I have. It's a cry from my very soul. The reason I crave this is because I know He is calling me forth. It's what He created me for.

But what to do with some of the wisdom that, I'll be brave and be honest here, I don't think is very wise? In fact some of it seems a little silly to me. Sometimes He'll give me a nugget and I'll think, "really God? That doesn't seem very important or significant." He'll nudge me in that God-like way of His and I'll know I'm not supposed to do something or I'm supposed to do something that I don't want to do. Sometimes I want to hide and say "not right now God, I really don't want your wisdom on this issue. I've got this covered, I'll call you when I need something big, OK God?"

I love how I can be honest with God, so I asked Him what He thought and here's what He told me. As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his folly.

I've prayed for wisdom and He IS giving it to me in a personal, unique, one of a kind way. His word says all we have to do is ask for it and it will gladly be given. Here's what I'm learning about God's wisdom, it doesn't make a lot of sense sometimes when you compare it to worldly wisdom. If I take God's wisdom and compare it to the world and then decide it's not for me than I am like a dog lapping up it's vomit.

My heartfelt prayer; Dear God what a wonderful God you are!! You continue to amaze me with even topics on vomit! God, I've always known I have a STRONG stubborn streak in me. How many times have I prayed you would take that part out of me! I thank you for using Proverbs 26:11 to teach me why you made that stubborn streak in me. God, I don't want you to take that part of me away, thank you for not answering that prayer, instead I thank you for your creation. God, I'm giving you my stubborn streak knowing you will take it and use it to help me become all that you have desired and planned for me to be! It's with your help, us working together that I will obey you. Because I love you, I WANT to obey you!

Today I got to put some Christmas decorations up around the house for my mother. She sat in a chair in the garage as I climbed up into the attic and pulled down Christmas boxes. Those who know my mother well wouldn't be surprised by this but she actually wanted to climb up the attic to sort through the boxes! That sent me into a panic, I mean my goodness the woman just had brain surgery! Does anything slow her down? Thankfully my dad arrived just in time to help pull out ALL the boxes. Dad pulled out all the stuff including outside lights and mom and I both said "oh, we don't need that. If we could just get a tree up inside." But much to my delight my dad said he's putting stuff outside too. As my mother often says to me, I told them both "that just tickles me!" Something about seeing my dad climb up that attic and pull Christmas boxes down with such love and taking the time to put out lights really touched me and meant a lot.

We are going to have Christmas!

That might seem so simple but having that hope fills my eyes with tears and gives me something to look forward too. I love Christmas because I love Jesus and I love thinking of my savior as a sweet babe. He's already so pure and sweet but something about remembering His birth delights me.

This year we're going to have an angel tree with white lights. The white lights are to celebrate the glory of the Lord and the angels are to remind us that God has sent His guarden angels to watch over and protect us.

I've been wanting to blog so bad since my last post but I've been in Tampa staying with my sister while my mom recovered from surgery and no Internet access. Now I'm back in Jacksonville and with my mother during the day, so hopefully I can write more. I'll be staying in Florida until January. My husband came for Thanksgiving for a week and left. He'll be back at Christmas. I want to be with my mother every second I can and I'd like to share how God is taking care of me.

From the very beginning upon hearing this terrible news the Lord has promised me He will be with me and help me. He hasn't left my side and has been my confidant and best friend the whole way. I've cried on His shoulder while He warmly embraces me, I've cried out to Him for advice when there was no one else around to ask. He hasn't disappointed me in the least. When this all began I told Him kind of like this "Ok, God now this is a big blow, mind blowing actually. I'm not quite sure what all you're up too, but you have promised in your Word that you won't give me more than I can handle. So, I've got some BIG expectations of You! If I have to face losing my mother who is also my best friend then I KNOW beyond a doubt you are about to step up in a big, amazing and wonderful way." I'm counting and waiting on Him and it's not going to be any other way. I kinda told Him "God, let's see what you've got!" You know, I actually felt Him kind of chuckle at that! By the way, I find God has a sense of humor!

So let me tell you what He's done so far. First of all He made a way for me to stay in Florida an extended time. My husband has been so wonderful, loving and supportive. He understands that I need to be with my mother during this and supports me being here. Another thing the Lord lined up, after the surgery I left with the kids to Tampa so my mother could get quiet rest. It's amazing how loud 2 and 3 year olds can be! lol anyway... The Lord lined up a house for me to stay at 10 minutes way from my parents. A dear couple in my parent's church Ann and Bill arranged it all. When Ann took me inside the house to show me around, I lost my breath and my eyes filled with tears at the wonder of my God. You wouldn't believe how perfect this place is for me and my two little children. It was as if this house had been made for us! With children's videos to books and toys. In the cabinets were some of my kids favorite foods that Ann said we could use! God said right down into my heart in that house "Now didn't I say I'd take care of you!" The next big thing the Lord did, He provided TOP of the line childcare for my children so I can help take care of my mom during the day. My dad's best friend Don is the headmaster at Providence and arranged for my children to be in the preschool program. This school is AMAZING! Again I'd blown away by my God. My God knows me intimately, He knows how I feel about my children and He provided THE BEST so I feel totally confident in leaving them. As if that isn't enough Lorenzo my two year old has been having a hard time adjusting to everything going on so I took him to a walk-in clinic and discovered he has an ear infection. So today a wonderful friend in my parent's church who runs a home daycare is taking care of Lorenzo for me so again I can be here with my mother! Annette and her husband Gary have the biggest hearts and know just how to care for him giving that extra special touch!

Well isn't my God good??? I'm sorry if this got so long I just couldn't help but shout out how wonderful my Lord is!

It's time

Wednesday night as I was reading my Bible I found my mom listed in there. No, her name Kristy Dykes wasn't written but if you read Proverbs 31 Epilogue: The Wife of Noble Character you will find her.

Last week I felt the Lord whisper into my heart the words Rise Up. It's time to Rise Up. So Wednesday night I looked up the words Rise Up in the Bible and here is what I found.

Proverbs 31:28 Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her

As my sister and I sat in the ICU waiting room Thursday afternoon we started to cry out "what are we going to do?" In my spirit cried the words rise up. So I shared with her what we're going to do as her children.

It's time to rise up and be everything our mother has taught us to be. All the training, all the diligent guiding she's given since the time we were born until becoming young ladies. It's time to rise up and become what she knew all along was inside us. So much wisdom she has given us, little nuggets here and there. I'm going to make my mother proud. This isn't going to destroy me, it's going to make me stronger. My mother is going to come alive in me, her words, her training... I'm going to strive all my life with the sweet help of Jesus to Rise Up.

My mom's brain tumor

We found out yesterday that my mom's brain tumor is called a glioblastoma multiforme grade four. All you have to do is google that word and you will know how bad it is. They have given her 6 to 9 months here on this earth.

It's hard to believe that unless a supernatural miracle happens my mother will no longer be on this earth. I don't like the word die, do you know why? Because my mother is not going to die. Sure her body will give out but SHE, her spirit, the thing that makes her who she is will not cease. She's going to transition. So I perfer the word transition. In 6 to 9 months my mother is going to transition from this earth to heaven.

My mother has described a cloud of peace that is around her and I'm going to try and describe it in a little more detail. All around my mother is a sweetness. It fills her hospital ICU room. You can see it touching her, you can see it in her face. There is no fear in that room or anywhere near her. Something draws me to that room and comforts me. My spirit senses it and rejoices in it's sweetness. I can feel Jesus in that room, He is so close to her whispering in her ear. People come in and out to visit but He never leaves her side. He is waiting for her patiently with a sweet knowing smile on His face. He isn't going to leave her, from this point out He's waiting by her side. When I sit in that room by my mother and close my eyes that peace settles all around me and I never want to leave. All my life I've had an image of what death and news of this nature would feel like and this is NOTHING like what I thought. It's too much to describe in just a few sentences but there is no fear. It is sweet and fills me with awe. This passage in 1 Corinthians 15: 54-55 has come alive for me and I understand it in the deepest parts of my soul: So when this corruptible shall have put on incorruption, and this mortal shall have put on immortality, then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written, Death is swallowed up in victory. O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?

We have the victory!! This tumor doesn't, death doesn't. Satan can throw the worst at us and still we will rise up in victory!

When you hear the worst

Yesterday I heard the worst news of my life. My mother has a brain tumor and it's cancer...

I didn't believe her when she called and told me. I remember yelling at her saying it wasn't true...

I don't know why this is happening but I do know He has been beside me comforting and giving an unusual peace.

It must sound very odd to say you have peace when the worst thing that can happen is happening. But this is what I know, He's got my mother in the palm of His hand and there is no other place I'd rather have her be. I know He's going to be there with her every step of the way. He's promised this and God doesn't go back on promises.

My heartfelt prayer: Dear God I'm not sure what you are up too yet but know this, our family loves you and we dedicate our lives to you. Our lives are not our own but yours dear Lord. And so we look up to you and we worship you because you are good and holy and just. Nothing can ever separate us from your love and to your love we cling. We stand with our arms open expecting, waiting and receiving your love and peace. I thank you with all my heart for giving me my mother. I thank you for her creation, she is yours and she's beautiful...

It's not OKAY GOD

I haven't been able to post in awhile, I guess I needed to get my thoughts together first. I had a stand still for a few weeks with God. Of course it was self imposed, thankfully God lovingly stood by me. Patiently waiting...isn't He a good God?

My son Lorenzo had a febrile seizure last month. It was completely unexpected. My husband was out of town and I went to bed early and woke at 10:30pm when he cried out. I went to check on him and he was in the middle of a full blown seizure. I didn't realize in that moment it was a seizure, I thought he'd had a stroke. It looked horrific with foam coming out of his mouth and his little body contorted and his eyes rolled back in his head. I kind of lost my mind for a moment and went to a place I wouldn't wish on anyone. I thought for sure he was either dead or going to be brain dead. Neighbors called 911 and I realized he was burning up from fever and it was a seizure, I got him into a cold tub and he stopped jerking although he stayed in a contorted state with eyes rolled back for more than 30 minutes. The police rushed us to the ER and I learned there he would be completely fine and have no lasting effects whatsoever from the seizure. I stood in the ER barefoot, in pajama's and sobbed with relief into my sister-in-law's arms. It was a horrific and life changing night for me for sure. It felt like I went to hell and back, there was one point I clearly remember (although really the whole night is etched forever in my mind) as I stood over my sweet baby Lorenzo and watched him seizing in the tub I screamed out to Jesus and was met with...silence. There was absolutely no sense of God's presence at all, and I realized if Lorenzo died or had lasting damage from the seizure that it wouldn't be okay. I would not be able to say "it is well with my soul."

And so this started my stand still with God. Not for a moment did I question the reality of God, even though I didn't sense Him in my need. It was realizing that I'm not in control and if something happens to my precious babies it is NOT going to be alright with me. I didn't feel like talking to God about it, because really how can you tell God "you know what God, it's not okay that you are in charge and in control and if you mess with me I'm not going to be happy about it." But after I sulked for a few weeks I finally decided to tell Him what I thought. Of course He wasn't surprised! ha ha!

But you know what I got the surprise! Instead of Him telling me to come back when I was ready to hand over the reins and get over my haughtness; He wrapped His arms around me and comforted me! You know what He said? He whispered into my heart how He once LOST a son and witnessed His son's horrific death and He knew exactly how I felt. He understood how it wasn't okay. My emotion wasn't new, it didn't shock Him! He just loved on me, and with that I was able to let the pain of the memory start to fade.

I don't know why that night happened. I don't know how parents handle the death of a child. I learned that night that I wouldn't be able to handle it and thankfully I didn't have to go through that. But I do know this, we have an amazing God that is always there, just waiting to lavish love on us and longing to help us. The question is, will we let Him?

Look what God has done!

I can't wipe the smile off my face! You aren't going to believe what God has been up too!

Some of you may know that my husband and I ride and compete mountain biking. I'm retired from competing since having kids but hubby has continued on and rides almost everyday.

Well yesterday he had a competition and a good friend he often rides with picked him up and they went together. The kids and I went to church as usual and later yesterday afternoon after hubby had gotten back from the race he just happened to mentioned that... are you ready for this?!!

That his good friend found the Lord! Yes, those were the exact words of my husband and I almost fell over right there in absolute shock! My husband went on to explain in great detail how on the ride to the race and back his friend told him that he found the Lord and was attending church! My husband told me that he said to his friend that he doesn't believe in all that and his friend replied back... "well you should!" Hubby then went on to say that he told his friend about how I found the Lord and am attending church etc. and how my parents are ministers. Aparently they had an indepth discusion on the Lord.

If I ever needed more proof that God is real and in control then this would be it folks! Do you think it is coindidence that EXACT prayers my family and I are praying are EXACTLY being answered? We have prayed that God would line up Christians around my husband to witness to him. And not only that but that these people would be new Christians who came to Christ later in life. I asked my husband "do you think it's chance that your wife and now your good friend and bike buddy are Christians??!!"

God couldn't have picked a better person to be witnessing to my husband. I'm telling you God is a genius! This friend couldn't be more worldly (note "normal") more fun loving and full of life. No sob story that my hubby can't relate too!

How funny that yesterdays sermon was titled What To Do When Waiting On God. It was all about having patience and how God is in control and working things out according to His will in His timing!

James 5:7-8 Dear brothers and sisters, be patient as you wait for the Lord’s return. Consider the farmers who patiently wait for the rains in the fall and in the spring. They eagerly look for the valuable harvest to ripen. You, too, must be patient. Take courage, for the coming of the Lord is near.

Ever struggle with GUILT?

Any other Christian out there struggle with this issue? In my Christian walk it seems I've made the mistake of allowing guilt to get in the way from time to time. Never even realizing that the guilt itself was a problem. I'm now realizing guilt should have no part of us once we become born again and saved.

GUILT GUILT GUILT. Ever have the feeling you've displeased God somehow and suddenly find yourself out of His grace and feel the need to run to the alter begging forgiveness? Well guess what? GUILT won't get you closer to God! Sure it may have us weeping and crying our eyes out on Sunday, but I think it's a trap from satan. Guilt seperates us from God. It cuts us off. It chokes us. As soon as we confess our guilt we feel all better, but for how long? Until we mess up again! Then it starts all over.

God isn't standing up in heaven with a pencil and erasier and everytime we slip up he says "time to erase that name again."

What does the Word say about it? Romans 8:1 Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus

Ever struggle with sin? Guess what, God isn't surprised! We are humans, it's what we do! Instead of letting guilt seperate you from God, how about taking your sin to God. Think He's too holy to hear it? Feel ashamed? Those are lies from satan. I challenge you to take your sin (it doesn't matter how big or small) to God and see what He says about it! You might be shocked what He says! I'm not talking about confessing your sin after the fact, I mean take it to Him directly! Don't think you have to fix it yourself or get over the issue or even stop your sin until you can come to Him. I mean take it to Him directly! You know what you might find? He might just wrap you in His arms and say "I don't even care about that right now. I'm just so happy you finally brought it to me!" And even more shocking, He might just take care of it for you!

My heartfelt prayer: Dear God what an amazing and loving God you are! I adore you! I sigh your name in love. I will follow you forever just to get tastes of you. Please Lord I ask you to teach me! Show me more! I want you more! I want to taste you, I want to hear you, I want to see you. I get a tiny taste and I find I can't get enough. I pant after you. I'm in love with you and it's amazing!

Did you know God sings?

Zephaniah 3:17 The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.

I stubbled over this sweet little passage the other day and thought "what a revelation into God's heart!"

I read it like this: The Lord my God is with me When I'm alone, scared, or worried. He is a strong and powerful God that magnificently saves! And get this! He likes me! He laughs over me. ME! Imagine that! He wraps His love around my heart so tight until I can only be still in awe. And then He sings about me, and the heavens respond to this singing!

When God speaks

Sometimes I feel like giving up. Anybody ever feel that way? I'll be honest and say sometimes I wonder if it's worth it, to keep going with my marriage. At times I feel like so much is stacked against me that I really don't know...

Often times I feel that way when I look around at others and notice the helpful father doting on his children, eager to help and please his wife. Then I look at my situation and feel such loss. My heart screams that it isn't fair, it isn't right. Why can't my relationship be like that? Why can't I have that...

Last night after returning home from a birthday party where once again I felt majorly let down by my husband, I let God have it, have the problem that is. A situation happened at the party where my 3 year old daughter went missing. I turned my head for a second and she was gone, just vanished. Everyone frantically searched for her, it turned out in the second I turned my head my husband walked by on an errand and took my daughter with him, not letting me know. It was a bad situation and upsetting to a lot of people. I was scared, panicked, embarrassed, hurt, angry. My husband apoligized but with other things that happened (that I don't want to share) it just didn't feel like enough.

Later that night while lying in bed I cried my heart out to God, how unfair my situation seems. I mean doesn't He know how unfair it is! Why do others have better, why do I have to continue to suffer with this person! I told God I was tired, I wanted to give up, I'd had it! After I poured out my heart I then asked Him what He had to say about it! I was very interested in His thoughts regarding the subject. I felt Him speak to my spirit and simply say "just love him." Meaning my husband. Just love my husband. Now I know that God can handle anything I throw at Him, so I responded back "is that all you've got this time God? Just love him? That's it?" With me God speaks simply and once again all I got was to "just love him."

That was NOT the answer I wanted! But I told God that if He would give me this love in my heart for this man, I would obey Him and continue on.

And then today in Sunday service at the very end of a wonderful message the pastor said this: If there is someone out there wanting to give up on their marriage, the message is this: Don't give up for in Galatians 6:9 the Lord says this: Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

And Philippians 1:6 being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

Tears poured down my face as I knew this message was for me!

On the most wanted list

Could it be that Paul's testimony will one day become my husbands?

In 1 Timothy 1:12-16 Paul writes: I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that he considered me faithful, appointing me to his service. 13Even though I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man, I was shown mercy because I acted in ignorance and unbelief. 14The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus.
15Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. 16But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life.

Oh what sweet promise in this passage! Paul who was a blasphemer and a violent man was shown abundant grace and mercy and for what? What reason I ask? It was for the Kingdom! I've often exclaimed to my mother "Do you realize what a victory for the Kingdom it will be when my husband finally hears Him calling?" Oh man! I get chills just thinking about it. What a testimony that will be!

My heartfelt prayer: Oh wonderful and merciful God, the God of "I AM" How genius you are! I do not believe for a second I was paired with my husband by chance meeting! I know it was your premissive will that allowed this marriage to be. What the deceiver took for bad you will claim in victory! What the deceiver took to destory You build up! You are amazing. You are beautiful! God-do you know how beautiful and lovely I find you! I believe in You! I believe in Your unique design and I promise with your help to hold fast and stick with You! I trust you, I have confidence in You. I pray for Your abundant grace and mercy to be with ME! For Your Kingdom! I dream with You on the forceful advancement of the Kingdom! I long for You to have Your Kingdom here on earth, imagine how beautiful it will be!

Jesus says: Don't give up!

Luke 18: 1-8 Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up. He said: "In a certain town there was a judge who neither feared God nor cared about men. And there was a widow in that town who kept coming to him with the plea, 'Grant me justice against my adversary.'
"For some time he refused. But finally he said to himself, 'Even though I don't fear God or care about men, yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will see that she gets justice, so that she won't eventually wear me out with her coming!' "
And the Lord said, "Listen to what the unjust judge says. And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?"

Again the Holy Spirit is crying out with an urgency for intercession for my husband. Yesterday he lead me to this scripture and I'm amazed to read the words of Jesus telling me personally to not give up and to keep praying for my husband.

WANTED!!!

If only my husband knew how special he is to the living God. How much he is desired and wanted by Him.

I'm amazed at the presistance of the Holy Spirit for my husband's soul. He just won't give up even when I feel like giving up. The Holy Spirit just won't let go.

The Spirit has clearly being speaking to me and breathing one word into my heart: INTERCEDE. A fresh desire has been born in my heart and what an amazing feeling when my spirit and the Holy Spirit become one as we join together in crying out to the Father.

It makes me wonder just what the Father has in store for my husband! Clearly he is wanted!

Romans 8:26-27 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.

who am I?

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8Love never fails.

In my life I've struggled off and on with depression. As a Christian my depression sometimes comes from struggling to understand and accept who I am.

Tonight I was lying in bed thinking who I am. As usual I started thinking about all the things I don't like about myself. I was thinking on 1 Corinthians 13 and reading off to myself the list of things that love is: love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud... on it goes.

I've often struggled that these things don't seem to be in my nature, this doesn't seem to be who I am by creation. I can try to be these things. I can meditate on them and redirect my thoughts and actions. I can pray and plead to become these things but deep down my first reponse/thought/action is always the opposite of 1 Corinthians 13.

Bottom line, I don't like this about myself. In the past I've let self-pity and self-loathing cut me off from God. Tonight I just cried and prayed. Tonight I asked why. I don't think I've ever asked Him why before. Some might say you shouldn't ask why to God, but I feel that He is my father and I have a running conversation with Him. I can talk to Him about anything.

So I just cried my self-pity tears and told Him "Now God, YOU made me. Now why did you make me like this?" "Why is it such a struggle for me?" "Why is IT so hard?" "If there is so much value on love, why am I the opposite of it?"

And I love how God speaks to me. First it's like a whisper, it's soft and gentle. But what stands out the most is the peace I feel when He speaks to me. It's a perfect peace. That's the only way I can think to explain it. My whole soul stands still and breathes Him in. There's something addictive about His perfect peace.

Like a caress on my heart He spoke and said "I made you perfect. I made you exactly how I wanted you to be. You are not a mistake, I don't make mistakes. I made you so that you will need Me, so that you will constantly need to rely on Me. That is who I want you to be."

Isn't that amazing? This is something I'm going to need to think about! So first of all, He knows my very nature and He thinks it's perfect because He made me like this and it's exactly how He wants me to be! But here's the best part, it's for a reason! He made me so that I will SEE and FEEL how VERY much I need Him. This is a circle! There is nothing wrong with me! He made me! Ha!

He doesn't want me perfect! lol! That's not what He valvues in me! He delights when I NEED Him. When I ask for His help, when I rely on Him. He doesn't think this is weakness! It's beginning to dawn on me, that I can be a Christian all my life and I'm still going to be who He created, I'm still going to be me. The point isn't to change that, it's beginning to dawn on me that the whole point is to NEED Him.

whose battle is this?

This past Sunday was my 3 year old daughter's first time in Sunday school class. She's always been in the nursery and recently turned 3 so I decided to try her out and see how she would do.

She did wonderful and learned so much in only one hour! I was very impressed.

Also this Sunday I was asked to teach that same preschool class one Sunday a month, I excitedly agreed. I'm so excited to get involved and have a ministry (besides Tuesday's Bible study.) I feel the Lord calling me to this.

However FEAR soon seeped into my soul and guess what FEAR does? It binds you up and cripples you. It overwhelms you and makes it so you stand still and hardly breath, it holds you captive.

FEAR said to me "what will your husband think? What will he do? What will he say when he finds out that xxxx(my daughter) is attending not nursery anymore but Sunday school, where they actually talk about God?" FEAR said to me "oh you are in for it." Like a snake, fear wrapped around my heart and squeezed hard.

The next day I mentioned to my SIL about xxx(my daughter) attending the preschool class at church and right away she said things like, "well I don't envy you. You certain have a battle before you. Your husband will freak out when he finds out. You have a huge battle before you." Again FEAR jumped out and gripped my heart with it's cold hand.

That night I was thinking about what my SIL said, about the battle before me. And all the sudden the Holy Spirit came to me and said "NOW WAIT A MINUTE!" This is NOT your battle this is the Lords! So I grabbed a hold of that and started praying.

Thank God for the Holy Spirit that speaks TRUTH into our minds and hearts. Through prayer and reading of the Word this is what He revealed to me: This is a BATTLE all right! But it's not Jennifer's battle! It is the Lords, He claims it and He's ready to fight! It's not my battle but I do have a job in it, it's my job in this battle to pray. And not just to pray but to pray with POWER through the Holy Spirit and in the powerful name of Jesus and to pray in TRUTH because the truth is on my side! And to pray with FAITH.

And so pray I did last night. My husband was out of town and so I got down in the Word. And I prayed in the Spirit. I bound up every stronghold against my husband by the name of Jesus. I put my hands on his pillow and prayed that when he put his head there later that night that by the power of Jesus, strongholds from Satan would be broken and the truth would set him free.

I know that Satan has used fear on me for awhile but the time has come where I have to choose between comfort and the truth, in my heart I know there is no other way but the truth.

2 Timothy 1:7 says For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.

And so with God fighting this battle I'm ready! I'm not afraid and fear has been cast aside. There is nothing to be afraid of, there is only ONE way this battle will end! And that is with God prevailing! I'm getting ready for my part (which is prayer) by reading the Word. Because how can you pray in TRUTH without the Word saturating your mind and soul? I'm using the Word to pray. Since the Word is alive then what better way to pray than by it's power?

Anybody out there want to use this prayer to fight a battle? I'm using 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 and this is how my prayer looks like: By the authority given to me by Jesus I pray this in His name: Satan I come against you in the name of Jesus 3For though I live in the world, I do not wage war as the world does. 4The weapons I fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds against my husband. 5I demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and I take captive every thought of my husband's to make it obedient to Christ.

God is SO good!!!!

It seems fitting to direct this post to Him. Dear God, You are an amazing and wonderful God. I can hardly get past the wonder that You created Me so that I can know You and experience You! You are funny, You are loving and ever so kind! You are gentle and patient and laugh like a little child yet are so wise and all knowing. The depth of your personality makes me pant after You for more! I want more of You! How thrilling I can come directly to You and sit at Your feet in worship. I love you with all my heart, You are my Father. You fill me up with bubbles of love. You are perfect and as always You are genius! I love laughing with you. I love You! I love how Holy and perfect You are! To worship You is be with You! It's what You demand! Worship is what You want. How exciting is my relationship with You. You pour out Your love and in return I worship and adore You!

*******
In my dark and difficult moments I cry out to Him and beg for His hand and His help. In my joyful moments I laugh with Him and sing to Him. He knows how wonderful He is, but He loves for me to tell Him!

Right now is a joyful moment in my life. We closed on our apartment and are settling into our rental apartment. We are very happy in our new place. Today I got teary-eyed thinking on this past year and how far He has brought me. Because for SURE the hand of the Lord has been on my life. I don't believe for a second all these blessings are coincidence!

In one year I've gone from the brink of divorce and abandonment to my marriage being restored and healed and my little family kept intact. We've gone from near bankruptcy to my husband getting a new job, selling our condo at top dollar and moving to a much bigger place. And that's just the big stuff. I've done lots of laughing with God this past year! You know what I've discovered? Blessings always come with laughter. I'm amazed to learn, He LOVES to bless His children! It brings Him pleasure! And do you know why? Because He is a GOOD God!