Saturday, March 31, 2007

who am I?

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8Love never fails.

In my life I've struggled off and on with depression. As a Christian my depression sometimes comes from struggling to understand and accept who I am.

Tonight I was lying in bed thinking who I am. As usual I started thinking about all the things I don't like about myself. I was thinking on 1 Corinthians 13 and reading off to myself the list of things that love is: love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud... on it goes.

I've often struggled that these things don't seem to be in my nature, this doesn't seem to be who I am by creation. I can try to be these things. I can meditate on them and redirect my thoughts and actions. I can pray and plead to become these things but deep down my first reponse/thought/action is always the opposite of 1 Corinthians 13.

Bottom line, I don't like this about myself. In the past I've let self-pity and self-loathing cut me off from God. Tonight I just cried and prayed. Tonight I asked why. I don't think I've ever asked Him why before. Some might say you shouldn't ask why to God, but I feel that He is my father and I have a running conversation with Him. I can talk to Him about anything.

So I just cried my self-pity tears and told Him "Now God, YOU made me. Now why did you make me like this?" "Why is it such a struggle for me?" "Why is IT so hard?" "If there is so much value on love, why am I the opposite of it?"

And I love how God speaks to me. First it's like a whisper, it's soft and gentle. But what stands out the most is the peace I feel when He speaks to me. It's a perfect peace. That's the only way I can think to explain it. My whole soul stands still and breathes Him in. There's something addictive about His perfect peace.

Like a caress on my heart He spoke and said "I made you perfect. I made you exactly how I wanted you to be. You are not a mistake, I don't make mistakes. I made you so that you will need Me, so that you will constantly need to rely on Me. That is who I want you to be."

Isn't that amazing? This is something I'm going to need to think about! So first of all, He knows my very nature and He thinks it's perfect because He made me like this and it's exactly how He wants me to be! But here's the best part, it's for a reason! He made me so that I will SEE and FEEL how VERY much I need Him. This is a circle! There is nothing wrong with me! He made me! Ha!

He doesn't want me perfect! lol! That's not what He valvues in me! He delights when I NEED Him. When I ask for His help, when I rely on Him. He doesn't think this is weakness! It's beginning to dawn on me, that I can be a Christian all my life and I'm still going to be who He created, I'm still going to be me. The point isn't to change that, it's beginning to dawn on me that the whole point is to NEED Him.


Anonymous said...

Jennifer this is so beautiful and wonderful. Thanks for sharing these thoughts. Love you, Grandpa Dykes

Dad said...

Jennifer: You are God's unique and special daughter, mother, wife and person. God is adding to your life as you draw near to Him. He is there to help you become the best you can be--and is faithful to love you through it all.

Love, Dad

samuel said...

jennifer...this is samuel.
my parents are getting divorced. it hasn't happened yet, but its about to. i still don't know if its a good thing or a bad thing, but it's change and i'm more than a little scared. it doesn't feel real though because it hasn't happened yet. that might take awhile before it does. every moment feels so surreal right now. i look around me and realize how much is so meaningless, so overrated, so misunderstood, so blind and fickle.
it hurts. would you pray?

p.s. i figured the constant 'number 17' thing out. it has a symbolic meaning i can more than easily apply to myself.

Jennifer said...

Samuel, I'm so sorry to hear about your parents getting divorced. Of course I'll pray for you. Do you have a pastor at your church that can help council you through this? Take care and God bless.

Laura(slykitty) said...

Hi. I followed your link from your siggie at MZ. I just wanted to tell you that I think it's wonderful that you are spreading God's message this way. I will be visiting regularly.

Jennifer said...

Hi Laura! Thanks for commenting and sharing your testimony with me! What an encourgement you've been. God bless!