I miss you

Tonight I'm just missing my mom...

Big tears drip down my face. I want to call her so bad. I can hear the conversation in my head. "Hey mom, whatcha doin?" I'd ask. She'd probably reply that she was finishing cleaning up the kitchen, or maybe just finishing up a writing project.

I just want to hear her voice, so positive and happy sounding.

Maybe I can sneak a call to my parent's house and catch the answering machine, which still has her voice on it. "Your call is important, please leave a message." To hear her voice, so clear and ALIVE. It was the voice untouched by cancer.

Very soon my dad will be changing his answering machine, I know it's time, he knows it's time. We all know. I just want to hold on to something from the past. I just feel like telling her, "ok mom, I'm really tired of you being gone. Can you just come back now?"

The more days and months that go by, the more normal it feels for her to be gone. I'm getting used to her not being here, and I hate that. Part of my heart doesn't want to know what it feels like to go on.

I keep thinking how this time last year was her last really good moments. The doctors explained how she would have a window of time after the radiation which she would be at her best before she would rapidly decline. Oh how short that window was!

Thank God I got there during some of that window and had some great moments with her. I remember when I had to say goodbye in the Orlando airport and just walk away. How can you walk away knowing that could be it? I wish I could jump back in time and run back to her in the airport and never let go.

But I couldn't do that then, and I can't have her back now...

My heartfelt prayer: Dear Jesus, I really miss her. Could you do me a favor and find her there in heaven and give her a big hug and tell her it's from me? Can you tell her I miss her and love her? Thanks. Love, Jennifer

The portrait is done

I got the portrait of my mom back! I'm so pleased with it. A big thank you shout out to my dad.

My mother-in-law, Lourdes took me to a framing shop and helped me pick out the mats and frame. The frame is silver but has rust colored lines through it that match her hair.

We hung it at the bottom of our stairs and it's in between the kitchen and living/dinning room area.

The kids and I are enjoying having her picture so close by, and in a small way it's like having her with us.

Claudia keeps looking up and asking "mommy, nana is in our heart, right?"

I'm trying my best to explain that Jesus lives in our heart, and nana is with Jesus so in a way she's there too. And we will always carry her memory in our hearts.

We miss you mom. We will never forget the enormous love you poured into our lives.

A God Who Answers Our Prayers

The past few weeks I've really prayed asking God to give me wisdom in one major area of my life and I just love it when God shows up big!

I've been praying for wisdom in raising my little kiddies. They are three and five and such a delight, but oh boy, do they stretch my patience.

Lorenzo is coming out of the terrible two's (ok so he's been three since November) but the tantrums. Oh. My. Goodness. He cries and pitches fits with a passion not seen since... well, me actually! I've been told I was very "strong willed."

So just how does one get a passionate, strong-willed, temper tantrum throwing three-year-old to cooperate? There are times I want to pull my hair out, scream and run out the door! But guess what? That gets us no where quick!

Since I believe God is the giver of wisdom I decided to pray and ask for some custom made wisdom into the situation.

Suddenly in my heart, part of the answer became clear.

Isn't it awesome how we can go to God and ask Him stuff like this?

It's slightly humbling what I feel God told me, but I'm not going to shy away!

Two things. I realized I fuss to much and I get frustrated too quickly and easily. As clear as a bell I saw the areas I needed to work on to be a better mother.

Just today, my hubby commented how patient I was with my three year old. I just had to smile and give the glory to my God, because believe me that patience came from Him!

You see, God is waiting to shower down gifts on us. Just ask Him. Need wisdom into a certain situation? How to deal with that tough co-worker, in-law, husband, or wife? I challenge you to make it a matter of prayer, ask Him for the answer. Then open your heart and receive it and let Him work it out through you. Let Him use you to shower His love, His mercy, His grace into someone else's life.

My heartfelt prayer: Dear Jesus, Oh how I need You. I call to You asking for help. Give me wisdom in how to raise my children. You desire that we live in peace and so I ask You to equip me with Your power to accomplish what You have set before me. Give me just enough for exactly what I need and not a drop more. I desire to pant after You, needing You, wanting You and living my life one day at a time completely relying upon You. Love, Jennifer

Chosen

Are you chosen?

Today while sitting in traffic I was reading the Bible on my iphone when the end of this verse struck me...

Mark 13:20... But for the sake of his chosen ones he has shortened those days.

Chosen. Interesting word I thought. But what does that mean? Does He choose some and not others? What about those He doesn't "choose?" What happens to them?

Merriam Webster Online defines chosen as: one who is the object of choice or divine favor.

I certainly feel like He choose me. It's not so much that I'm using that verse in context, I understand He's talking about end times. What I'm refering to is that He used the word chosen, and I can relate to that word. It struck a cord in me because I once felt Him call me, and He revealed Himself in a personal and unique way.

I often wonder why He did that. What makes me so special? I'm so grateful to know Him, but my heart cries out "what about those who don't know Him?"

I really don't think I'm special. I'm not sure why there are those whom He doesn't reveal Himself so clearly too. I can only try and show you my heart, perhaps give a glimpse of what He sees.

I long for Him. To know Him, to be loved by Him. I want Him more than anything. I desire Him. I'm chasing after Him and I'm not going to let go until I know more, experience more.

What exactly am I chasing? What does that mean in real life? One thing I'm chasing is His peace. The kind of peace you can feel. Peace similar to a cloud that wraps tightly around and keeps you from falling when you hear the worst news of your life. For me that was when my mom was in ICU and the doctor gave the news that she had six months or less to live. That peace felt like cotton candy and all I had to do was open my mouth and taste it.

Today when I read chosen, my heart cried out and grabbed onto that word for my husband. "Jesus!!! Choose Javier." I want my husband to know Him. It's not that I want Javier to find a religion, or change, or donate money to church, or become weird.

I just want him to be blasted and washed by His love. I want him to feel 100% loved by his Creator. Just one blast and I know he'd be hooked! I've been convinced by that love. I want Him to call out Javier by name.

My heartfelt prayer: Dear Jesus, Have mercy on Javier. Have mercy on my husband. Choose him. Call him. Show Him who you really are. Pull off the scale on his eyes and let him see You. You called me, You love me and I'm asking You to do the same for Javier. It's the cry of my heart. I'm not going to let You go, I'm not going to stop asking for this mercy. I want it for the sake of my husband, for the sake of my children but also for the sake of the kingdom! Advance Your kingdom. Use me! Use him. Just a blast, Jesus. I know You want him! Love you always, Jennifer

Inherited Obsessions

If my mom were still alive I'd call her up and our conversation would go like this, "mom, remember when I was little and would get "very attached" to certain things? Well, Lorenzo is just like me!"

My mom and I used to talk on the phone almost everyday. We talked about life, kids, God and more.

I loved how she always had wonderful, Godly advise and would end many conversations with a prayer, tears always in her voice. She was a woman who had empathy for all in need.

One story I remember her telling about me had to do with white gloves. Once when I was little I suddenly decided I wanted to go to sleep wearing my white Sunday gloves. She explained that I couldn't sleep with them and passionate little me pitched a royal fit. Many tears later, she won and the gloves were put aside. So she thought! Later when she went to check on me, there I was asleep wearing those gloves!

Later when I had kids, she used this story to point out that some battles aren't worth fighting!

How grateful I am that I had her, to teach me these things about motherhood. I miss her so much. I don't understand why she had to go now, there is so much more I need her to teach me!

Now I have Lorenzo, who in many ways is a little "mini-me." He's a passionate little guy who apparently has inherited my obsessions! In the picture notice how he's sleeping beside his new red shoes. He usually wants to go to sleep wearing his shoes, and knowing that some battles aren't worth fighting, I've bargained with him and instead her puts his shoes beside his pillow and sleeps that way! Wonder where he got that from! ha!

My heartfelt prayer: Dear Jesus, Sometimes I don't understand why you gave me such a wonderful, wise mother and then took her away. There is so much more I needed to learn from her. Why now? I don't understand, but I do trust You. I look to You with my arms outstreched, expecting YOU to help guide me. I ask You for wisdom in raising these special kids You've trusted me with. I ask Your Holy Spirit to come and be that voice of wisdom, that unique guide that only He can be. Love, Jennifer

Where the learning begins

Here are the kiddies sitting at their favorite table. It's one of the many things my mom bought them. I put it outside in the garage and that's our pool in the background. Before you get worried, there is a metal gate that retracts blocking off the pool from ground to ceiling. I just opened it for the picture.

I didn't get the job I interviewed for. They felt my Spanish wasn't strong enough. So frustrating, but I'm believing He knows and is going to take care of my needs.

Today I started working on simple school lessons with Lorenzo. Claudia is in pre-k and has an hour of homework each night. It's amazing the push they put on these kids to learn everything so early. It would bug me except these kids are so active that it's good to put their little minds to work.

Did you see my dad's blog? He posted something interesting, you might want to check it out. Some exciting news, I've been dying for him to share!

My heartfelt prayer: Dear Jesus, Today I am asking "just what do you have in store for me?" You know exactly what I need, what is best for my family. Give me wisdom, I need clear answers and guidance from You. Love always, Jennifer

My Dad had this beautiful portrait of my dear mother made last summer. It was made using a recent photo of her before she got real sick. He put it in their room near her hospital bed. For three months she laid in that bed, slowly dying. Everyday getting weaker and more frail.

I would wake up every morning and wonder if she made it through the night. Was she still with us? I would go in quietly and check her, immediately relieved she was still there.

But the relief would quickly be replaced by dread as I would wonder how much longer she would have to suffer. I would check her breathing, was she breathing slower than the day before? I was constantly looking for "signs" that the hospice pamphlet said would accompany the end.

When she finally let go of my dad's hand and grabbed the hand of Jesus, I was an hour or so away on the highway, trying desperately to get to her. For months I'd been by her side, wanting to be with her as she met her Savior face to face.

But it wasn't to be, and in the end God knew. My dad was with her and witnessed a private, Holy moment.

I was able to see her before they took her away. I climbed in her bed and put her arms around me, sobbing like I'd never done before. For months I tried to be strong and keep her spirits up. I wanted her to know I'd be ok. But then her spirit was gone and it was just me saying goodbye to the earthly shell of what was my wonderful, sweet mother.

Oh how I miss her...

Last Thursday, my doorbell rang and it was the mail man handing me a long tube. Can you guess what was inside?

The portrait of my mother! My dad made a copy and wanted me to have something special and meaningful of her. Isn't that sweet of him? He has been the most wonderful father I could ever ask for.

I'm going Friday to get it framed and we're hanging it in Claudia's room!

Friday, February 6 2009 was our 11th wedding anniversary! 11 years people!!! Wow that went fast! I was 19 he was 25, we were in love and moving to Puerto Rico. We gave my parents a week's notice and my dad married us in Lakeland in my parent's home. My mom, the ever talented woman she was, pulled together a wedding for us in one week.

One week after our wedding, Javier left for Puerto Rico to start his new job and secure an apartment and vehicle for us. One month later I followed him and we began our new life together.

On Friday while holding hands at the breakfast table I looked into his eyes and said "you know after 11 years, I'm still deeply in love with you and get excited and get butterflies in my stomach over you." The man of few words looked back at me and said "me too!" That says it all.

God truly is the Healer. He healed my marriage and that's why we are still together. There were times when we could have gone our seperate ways, we could have left with very hurt and heavy hearts. It was only God's mercy that He poured down His amazing love and restored our love for each other. He took my broken heart and showed me Javier through His eyes. It's His love that is between us and binds us together! It's amazing how beautiful someone looks through His eyes.

My heartfelt prayer: Dear Jesus, Thank you for hearing my cry and reaching down with Your hand that heals. You touched my heart. You touched Javier's heart. I will be forever in awe of You. Love, Jennifer

Missing out

My heartfelt prayer: Dear Jesus, Today the kids are sick and we are stuck here at home. I'm sorry I can't meet you at your house this Sunday, how about you come over and we meet at mine? I invite you into my day and ask you to be by my side. Help me comfort my sick little ones and give me extra strength and patience to be the good mother you have called me to be. Love Jennifer

Puerto Rico

This is a picture of my little guy Lorenzo. He turned 3 in November. We went on a long walk together while his sister, Claudia was in school.

This was taken in my neighborhood. One of the things I love about Puerto Rico are the colors of the island. The sky is SO blue and the trees SO green. You have to see with your own eyes to know what I mean.

I just love sitting in my backyard and looking at the bright green palm trees against the brilliance of the blue.

Not long ago we had mother bird make her nest in one of our palm trees. It was so neat watching the babies grow up. I got to see the mother teaching her babies how to fly. She led them all out on the palm branch and encouraged them to take flight.

That's what my mother did all my life, she taught and taught me so I could make it in this life.

Now she's gone and it's my turn to fly off and soar... taking all she taught me to help make my life count.

My heartfelt prayer: Dear Jesus, Thank you for the beautiful gift of life. Thank you for the wonderful mother you blessed me with. Help me to be a good mother to little Lorenzo and Claudia. Give me little bits of wisdom throughout my day to help develop what You created inside them. Love, Jennifer

Waiting Quietly

Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in him

Psalms 62:5

Have you ever been in a time of waiting? Waiting for the blessing of a child... waiting for a healing? Waiting to hear about a job?

That's where I am today, waiting to hear if I got a job that I interviewed for last week.

Times are tough and I need this job. I hate the unknown... I like to know what's going to happen and have a game plan.

But like always in life, certain things are out of my control. So I turn to Him and wait quietly. Knowing my hope is in Him, not in a job.

My heartfelt prayer: Dear Jesus,

I am confident in you. You know exactly what I need physically and spiritually. You know me inside and out and so I simply trust and wait on you. I promise you today to do my part and I can't wait to see what you hold in my future. Love, Jennifer

Grateful Today

24 This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it. Psalms 118:24

This day was made by Him and oh how I rejoice in all He has given me!

It's amazing that three years ago when I cried out to Him for help to restore my marriage and keep my family together He saw this picture above! All the time He had me in His hands and He never left me. There were times that were scary and unknown but He brought me through!

My heartfelt prayer: Dear Jesus, Today I am grateful for a loving husband and father. Thank you for the love you put into my heart for this man. Jesus, use me today to show him your love. Love, Jennifer

Background color

***UPDATE***

I'm frustrated about the color thing, I just can't get it to change! I'm thinking of changing the whole background to get a lighter color, maybe something in turquoise in honor of my mother... but I really like the faith, love, peace thing so I'll keep working on it!



I wanted to reply to the person who asked me about making the backgroud lighter, I'm going to play around and see if I can do that. Right now it doesn't allow me to do that because I'm using a the background from a certain website, please give me a few days to work on it! I certainly want it to be easy on the eyes!

My New Look

I'm so excited about the new look my blog is taking. I haven't been happy with the look of this blog for a while but didn't know how to make changes. I thought about hiring someone to do a makeover on it. Finally I prayed and what do you know but I found a site that helped me re-do it all on my own!

Yea!

I've still got more work to do. I need to update the profile and I want to start adding pictures. I love reading blogs that are personal and have pictures.

I've worked on getting the print as dark as possible to make it easier on the eyes to read. If anyone has any comments or suggestions I would love to hear them.

I'm going to take this blog in a lighter, different direction. I've thought of starting another...but I love to journal about Him! So I'm keeping the title the same but my post topics will including more personal, family stuff going on in my life.

This morning the kids and I are off to church. Javier left early this morning for a bike race. Thankfully a friend picked him up since we are sharing a car right now. I was worried I wouldn't have a ride to church.

It's my turn to teach the preschool class! Yippe!

My heartfelt prayer: Dear Jesus, Please come into my day right now. I pray you will walk with me into the classroom and be by my side as I share about your amazing love. I pray you will send angels down to surround my children, especially Lorenzo. Give me special wisdom to lead the class while still wearing my mother "hat." Love, Jennifer