I feel so alone, so abandoned, so unloved. What is so horrible about me?? What is so wrong with me??
Thursday my husband told me he wanted to sell our condo and split everything and go our seperate ways.
All because I attended a special Easter service. He got very angry and said many hurtful things. He told me he doesn't want to be with someone who goes to church or reads their bible. He won't put up with it, it said.
He told me before I left if I walked out the door that our marriage would be over. I went anyway and as I drove home from the service it struck me how on that same night, the day before Christ died, he felt the same emotions I was feeling. Alone, betrayed, unloved.
Matthew 26:36-41 Then Jesus went with his disciples to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to them, "Sit here while I go over there and pray." He took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him, and he began to be sorrowful and troubled. Then he said to them, "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death, Stay here and keep watch with me." Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, "My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will." Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping, "Could you not keep watch with me for one hour?" he asked Peter, "Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak. "
After my husband had his say I withdrew into the kitchen and started cleaning and I was overcome with Christ's love. I was compelled to go to my husband and tell him of my love, to plead with him not to break our family apart. I went to my husband and humbled myself and begged for him to give love a second
chance, I told him I understood he is disgusted by my faith but there has to be a way. I pleaded with him to let me love him. Give me a chance to show him my love.
If only he will let me love him with Christ's love. He soften with my words and things have gotten a little better, we are barely hanging on. We talked again and he now says he's ok with me reading my bible and attending church twice a month. As long as I don't become "crazy" with it or go overboard. He will soon learn that it's too late for that, I've already fallen head over heels in love with Jesus and I have a new master!!!!
I wish I had some miracle to report but the truth is I sit here feeling broken and sad and I don't know what will end up happening.
I do know this HE IS WITH ME!! He is helping me, he is giving me love, comfort and joy even through this horrible time.
I know that Christ was with me when I pleaded for one more chance, it was Christ's love that compelled me. Had I been on my own, my own love would have withered away long ago.
While I felt compelled at the moment to beg for our marriage to be given another chance, I don't feel that I am to ever do that again. I have pled my cause and now I am showing him Christ's love. If he rejects me again, he is also rejecting Christ and I feel strongly that Christ will remove himself from our home.
Meaning our marriage will end and He will give up my husband to his own evil desires. I am begging God for his mercy, for his tender mercy.
I feel weary and tired, the task sometimes feels too great. Yet in all this pain, he has never once left me. He walks beside me in my darkest hour. He has comforted me, listened to me cry and wail out. HE IS WITH ME!!!!!!!!! He strengthens me when I can't go on anymore, he holds me when fear overcomes me. He guides me when I don't know which way to turn.
He has become my everything. There's no turning back, there's no looking behind. My eyes are fixed on the prize and I will not quit!! With him all things are possible.
If anyone reading this feels they have ANY words of wisdom to share please feel free to comment or email me, don't hold back, I am open to receiving any words of wisdom or learning from someone who has more experience in the Lord than me.