Sunday, April 16, 2006

so alone

I feel so alone, so abandoned, so unloved. What is so horrible about me?? What is so wrong with me??

Thursday my husband told me he wanted to sell our condo and split everything and go our seperate ways.

All because I attended a special Easter service. He got very angry and said many hurtful things. He told me he doesn't want to be with someone who goes to church or reads their bible. He won't put up with it, it said.

He told me before I left if I walked out the door that our marriage would be over. I went anyway and as I drove home from the service it struck me how on that same night, the day before Christ died, he felt the same emotions I was feeling. Alone, betrayed, unloved.

Matthew 26:36-41 Then Jesus went with his disciples to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to them, "Sit here while I go over there and pray." He took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him, and he began to be sorrowful and troubled. Then he said to them, "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death, Stay here and keep watch with me." Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, "My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will." Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping, "Could you not keep watch with me for one hour?" he asked Peter, "Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak. "

After my husband had his say I withdrew into the kitchen and started cleaning and I was overcome with Christ's love. I was compelled to go to my husband and tell him of my love, to plead with him not to break our family apart. I went to my husband and humbled myself and begged for him to give love a second
chance, I told him I understood he is disgusted by my faith but there has to be a way. I pleaded with him to let me love him. Give me a chance to show him my love.

If only he will let me love him with Christ's love. He soften with my words and things have gotten a little better, we are barely hanging on. We talked again and he now says he's ok with me reading my bible and attending church twice a month. As long as I don't become "crazy" with it or go overboard. He will soon learn that it's too late for that, I've already fallen head over heels in love with Jesus and I have a new master!!!!

I wish I had some miracle to report but the truth is I sit here feeling broken and sad and I don't know what will end up happening.
I do know this HE IS WITH ME!! He is helping me, he is giving me love, comfort and joy even through this horrible time.

I know that Christ was with me when I pleaded for one more chance, it was Christ's love that compelled me. Had I been on my own, my own love would have withered away long ago.

While I felt compelled at the moment to beg for our marriage to be given another chance, I don't feel that I am to ever do that again. I have pled my cause and now I am showing him Christ's love. If he rejects me again, he is also rejecting Christ and I feel strongly that Christ will remove himself from our home.

Meaning our marriage will end and He will give up my husband to his own evil desires. I am begging God for his mercy, for his tender mercy.

I feel weary and tired, the task sometimes feels too great. Yet in all this pain, he has never once left me. He walks beside me in my darkest hour. He has comforted me, listened to me cry and wail out. HE IS WITH ME!!!!!!!!! He strengthens me when I can't go on anymore, he holds me when fear overcomes me. He guides me when I don't know which way to turn.

He has become my everything. There's no turning back, there's no looking behind. My eyes are fixed on the prize and I will not quit!! With him all things are possible.

If anyone reading this feels they have ANY words of wisdom to share please feel free to comment or email me, don't hold back, I am open to receiving any words of wisdom or learning from someone who has more experience in the Lord than me.

5 comments:

samuel said...

I wish I had alot of experience with God...I wish I was older, and would know what to say...I wish I was smarter than the 14-year old that I am, so that I can say something that helps. But i'm not sure I can...sigh* This just makes me so sad. 'why' keeps repeating in my mind!!

I can't be of much help, but I found this song a few days ago, and when I hear it on the radio, it just makes things come back into focus. I hope it helps...in whatever small way ='(

Casting Crowns - Praise You In This Storm

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away


Chorus:
I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can’t find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away


Chorus:

(2x’s)
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The maker of Heaven and Earth


Chorus:

---------------------

I'm so sorry Jennifer...

,Samuel

Jennifer said...

I can answer the question of why. Why this is happening.

Every choice we make in life has consequences and when I was a teenager I pushed away God and turned from the truth willingly. I put God on "hold" so I could chase after the wind. I made many mistakes that have had painful consequences.

God has shown me mercy and brought me back to Him. However he doesn't promise to fix all the messes I've made, He only promises to help me, to guide me, to be with me.

He doesn't promise to make everything "fair" in fact in following him we are required to take up our cross daily. He will give us strength to do this.

This is why it's so important to make good choices.

I had to learn the hard way, and that's why I don't pray that he makes my life easier. I chose this course myself when I turned away from Him. I pray for His will to be done, His mercy and for His strength. It's all I can ask for.

Thank you Samuel for that beautiful and touching song. Keep your eyes on Him and let Him guide you. There is only pain and death without Him.

Blessings.

Kristy Dykes said...

Oh, Jennifer, how my heart hurts with you. It's Mon. afternoon, and I just had a chance to read this post. As you know, we've been on the phone many times since this happened.

In the 1940s, my beloved grandmother, Nana, found faith in the Lord, and her husband, Papa, divorced her. She said this was her favorite poem:
Plod on, plod on, plod on.
Plod on, plod on, plod on.
Plod on, plod on, plod on.
Plod on, plod on, plod on.

That was verse one, and it has twelve verses. You get the picture?

She kept her faith, she kept serving the Lord, and do you know? Ten years later, Papa came back begging her to marry him again. She did, and God restored them.

The key to making it through this trying situation is to listen to God and then to obey Him. "Trust and obey," the old hymn goes.

Love you soooo much, Mom

Anonymous said...

Jennifer,

I have been praying for Javier all weekend. My heart hurts for you and your family but I rejoice in your rededication to Christ.

My grandparents were married for over 50 years and my grandfather was an abusive alcoholic for the majority of their marriage. My grandmother would always take her kids to church and prayed for my grandfather's salvation. He was very mean and would harass her about her faith. But through her love and prayers my grandfather was saved after 35 years of marriage and he became filled with the holy spirit and on fire for God. God does work miracles!

I will continue to keep Javier in my prayers. I pray for God's mercy and truth to shine through your love.

Pris

Renae said...

Jennifer,

I realize I am coming to this late but I've been reading your blog and I'm so touched by your story.

I think that this is Satan working in your life, trying to make you doubt your faith and turn away from the Lord. He does not want to loose your husband to the kingdom of Heaven. SATAN wants your husbands soul. But God is bigger than Satan, God is stronger than Satan and God is love and goodness while Satan is pain and hatred.

Christ's love will shine through you. I believe God is already working on your husbands heart, I pray that your husband turns to the Lord, I pray for you to be able to withstand this trial Satan has placed in your path. Rely on God to give you strength as you walk through this valley.

I will keep you and your husband in my prayers.

God be with you.