I'm leaving tomorrow with Claudia to return back home. My two year needs me and it's time to return to him and my husband.
My mom is doing better... if that's the word to use. She's eating, responsive and Hospice is sending her home tomorrow.
It breaks my heart to leave her. I can hardly bare it. I want to be with her when she arrives home. I want to help with her daily care.
As the day wore on it really started pressing on me that I would be leaving her tomorrow.
I sat close to her bed and held her hand, just staring at her as she rested. Then I climbed up into bed next to her and held her hand. Tears started slipping down my face as I caressed her soft hand.
I couldn't stop the tears from falling as I thought about my sweet mother, the woman who gave me life would soon be making the transition to eternal life.
I was on her left side and she turned and looked me in the face and when she saw me crying, her sweet face instantly became full of concern and she started crying. She can't bare the thought of those she loves in pain.
Instantly I felt terrible for making her cry, I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself for upsetting her. I've hardly shed a tear the whole time I've been here. What good are tears? A million tears won't change a thing... Right now she needs to see and know her family is going to be ok.
I quickly dried my tears and tried to cheer her up. Thankfully the sad moment for her passed...
When I could I slipped away by myself outside. Hospice has beautiful grounds. I wandered through a garden to a far away bench by a small body of water and I cried and cried. I sobbed until I got it all out, mad at myself that I lost control and she saw my tears.
After a while I washed my face and put eye drops in and went back to her... I held her hand again, trying to breathe in her sweetness.
Immediatly, she asked if I was ok and with a calm steady voice I told her what I believe with all my heart: "Everything is going to be ok! God told me that from the beginning! Even though we don't understand, we know that He is with us and won't ever leave us!"
I really do believe that. I don't understand how everything is going to be ok, but I hear Him loud and clear saying that.
The Wednesday night my mom called told me the news of her brain tumor, that night while in bed I felt the Lord whisper into my heart that my mom was going to die but it was going to be ok! I even told my atheist husband that. I told him I don't understand it but God is telling me, it's going to be ok.
Right now I'm angry, I'm hurting but I'm going to believe His word and I'm going to trust Him!