Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Leaving

I'm leaving tomorrow with Claudia to return back home. My two year needs me and it's time to return to him and my husband.

My mom is doing better... if that's the word to use. She's eating, responsive and Hospice is sending her home tomorrow.

It breaks my heart to leave her. I can hardly bare it. I want to be with her when she arrives home. I want to help with her daily care.

As the day wore on it really started pressing on me that I would be leaving her tomorrow.

I sat close to her bed and held her hand, just staring at her as she rested. Then I climbed up into bed next to her and held her hand. Tears started slipping down my face as I caressed her soft hand.

I couldn't stop the tears from falling as I thought about my sweet mother, the woman who gave me life would soon be making the transition to eternal life.

I was on her left side and she turned and looked me in the face and when she saw me crying, her sweet face instantly became full of concern and she started crying. She can't bare the thought of those she loves in pain.

Instantly I felt terrible for making her cry, I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself for upsetting her. I've hardly shed a tear the whole time I've been here. What good are tears? A million tears won't change a thing... Right now she needs to see and know her family is going to be ok.

I quickly dried my tears and tried to cheer her up. Thankfully the sad moment for her passed...

When I could I slipped away by myself outside. Hospice has beautiful grounds. I wandered through a garden to a far away bench by a small body of water and I cried and cried. I sobbed until I got it all out, mad at myself that I lost control and she saw my tears.

After a while I washed my face and put eye drops in and went back to her... I held her hand again, trying to breathe in her sweetness.

Immediatly, she asked if I was ok and with a calm steady voice I told her what I believe with all my heart: "Everything is going to be ok! God told me that from the beginning! Even though we don't understand, we know that He is with us and won't ever leave us!"

I really do believe that. I don't understand how everything is going to be ok, but I hear Him loud and clear saying that.

The Wednesday night my mom called told me the news of her brain tumor, that night while in bed I felt the Lord whisper into my heart that my mom was going to die but it was going to be ok! I even told my atheist husband that. I told him I don't understand it but God is telling me, it's going to be ok.

Right now I'm angry, I'm hurting but I'm going to believe His word and I'm going to trust Him!

8 comments:

Macromoments said...

Praying for you as you go. Please don't regret tears. They're a God-given pressure valve. Tears speak a language of their own. Treasure that mother-daughter moment, Jennifer. It was special.

Anonymous said...

Dear Jennifer,
Please don't feel bad for crying. Of course you're crying now and I'm sure your mother understands why. It's all a normal part of this journey because, even though we know our loved ones are going to an incredible place, we anticipate missing them in our daily lives. Honestly, it sounds like you're doing well in holding it together and being there for your mom, and if sometimes your sadness shows, that's nothing to feel bad about. I will continue to pray for you and your family.

Julia (member of Southside Assembly)

Missy said...

Jennifer,

WOW! You are such a strong person and a wonderful daughter! Don't beat yourself up for allowing the tears to fall in front of your mom - that is a way to express your love and is certainly expected right now. She knows that you are sad - and happy at the same time.

Everything IS going to be alright because God is in control and that same chair that fell behind your mother will fall behind you and your sister and your Dad and help to pull you through this.

Praying for you as you head home to your family....

Missy in Ohio

Shana said...

i appreciate your honesty - with love and prayers ~ a sister in seattle

Anonymous said...

Hi Jenny,
Its Susan again. I've been thinking a lot about you and thinking of your mom and wondering how on earth illness can be inflicted on such a vibrant woman who's done so much. Her time on this earth seems like it will be far too short. Maybe it was my conscience or maybe it was the voice of God (you know I struggle) but I HEARD "because your time in eternity will be forever, the time you spend here on earth is miniscule". It gave me peace just thinking we'd get to be with God and our loved ones FOREVER. As I said, I struggle but I also believe. God bless all of You!
Susan

Anonymous said...

Dear Jennifer,

Your tears sprang from the deep place in your heart, telling your mom how much you love her and will miss her. And you allowed her that same release. The Lord gave us tears as another way to communicate our love. You did nothing wrong. "Jesus wept."

Our prayers continue.

Nancy

conisong said...

"Everything is going to be all right." Those are amazing words to cling to. I heard those same words from Jesus when I was 8 years old, sad, lonely and rejected by both of my parents. In a dream or in real life, I am not sure which, Jesus stood at the foot of the pull out couch I slept on. My heart was broken and He held out His hands to me and spoke those words. You know what? He was right. It still hurt but it turned out all right.
He is near to the broken hearted.
Still praying for your family.
Coni Andress

Jennifer said...

Coni, Your story is amazing! I praise the Lord that He reached out and comforted you! I'm fascinated He spoke the same words because I tell you I heard Him speak those words "it's going to be ok" clearly into my heart. I remember it being so real that I shared with my husband (an atheist.) I really believe what you said about Him being near the broken hearted. I've never felt Him so close...