Today the Sermon at church was titled "What are you afraid of?" The scripture was from Mark 4:35-41 The story of the disciples who got in the boat with Jesus and a bad storm came up. They were afraid and Jesus was asleep on a cushion. They went and woke him up and Jesus asked "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?"
The pastor said that the opposite of faith is disbelief but in this story the opposite of faith was fear.
God spoke directly to me this morning and He asked me "Why are you so afraid?"
I sat there with tears rolling down my face.
You see every Sunday is misery for me. I wake up never knowing how my husband will respond to me attending church. I never know if this will be the Sunday he'll want to divorce. I walk on eggshells and the worst fear grips my heart.
Fear so strong I don't feel like moving. Fear so strong it makes me feel alone. I fight it all the way to church and can't relax. I actually dread Sundays.
Right now in my life it feels like Jesus is alseep in the boat on a cushion. I'm the disciples in the story saying "Teacher, don't you care if we drown?"
Jesus, don't you care if my husband treats me badly for going to church? Jesus don't you care if he leaves me over this church issue?
I've decided I'm getting in the boat with Jesus, I'm going to follow Him out into deep waters. If I'm willing to follow Him, then I'v got to have faith in Him. I've got to trust Him. Leave this issue in His hands. I'm doing my part, now I've got to let go and let Him do His.
Instead of being afraid, I'm going to pray. Instead feeling sorry for myself, I'm going to praise and worship Him!
The deceiver is doing a number on me with this fear, it keeps me from doing many things. I will not let the deceiver win, I will not give in to this fear. Instead when I feel afraid I'm going to seek the Holy Spirit. He will be my comforter, my guide.
My heartfelt prayer; Thank you Father for your word. Thank you for speaking directly to me today. Thank you for being with me, guiding me, giving me strength and courage. Your name, Jesus is so sweet. I long to hear your name praised in heaven. I'm keeping my eyes on the prize, I will not seek rewards on this earth. I love you Jesus!!