Saturday, November 29, 2008

New Normal

How long do you think it takes until something different because the new normal?

How long do you think it takes for the deep wound on a heart to turn into a thick red scar?

Shock.

When I wake and remember...she is gone, it seems crazy. Absolutely nuts.

She taught me about heaven and now she's experiencing it. Surreal.

I don't want this to be the new normal. I don't want the wound on my heart to heal and become thick. Toughened with time.

But time keeps passing...

We all have to go on and she keeps slipping father into heaven.

I keep thinking, why did she have to die? What are we supposed to learn from this? Why do we learn at such a high price?

8 comments:

milton dykes said...

Jennifer, I know those feelings and it hurts to think she is going farther and farther apart from us.

Her love, her words, her sweetness, her care, her tender touch, her careful planning, her feisty ways, her gorgeous smile, her beautiful red mane, her delicious skin, her delightful ways, her ingenious creativity, her love.....oh her amazingly sweet love. How can all that be gone?

It hurts really bad.

Dad

Kate said...

((((((((((Jennifer))))))))))

Love,

Kate.

Luanne said...

Hi Jennifer,
I popped over here from your dads blog. I've been reading his blog for almost a year now.

Your comment "she keeps slipping farther into heaven" caught my attention.

My mom died in 1988 and my husband in 93. I understand a little of how you must be feeling right now. I remember journaling after my husband died that I was afraid to quit grieving because I thought it may make me forget him if I did. Kind of like the slipping farther into heaven feeling.

I like to think that heaven is the ability to be with your loved ones but in a different realm, perhaps acting as a guardian angel. It makes more sense to me than floating around on a cloud all day.
Just wanted you to know there are many of us still praying for your family.

Blessings,
Luanne

Karen Eve said...

Yes, you are right Jennifer, you are building a new normal, as your mom would expect. My mom went home when I was 27, and although I still miss her, I do have a different normal today. It doesn't diminish my love for her and at times I miss her deeply, but life does continue and you build new traditions with and for your family and yourself. It is healthy. The wound on your heart healing does not leave a thick scar, but rather a portal to memories, compassion for others, and yes sometimes a little catch. It's not the way you would have planned it, but God is showing you the way through. The first year is always hard, no matter what, because you have to experience each significant event (birthdays, holidays, etc.) without your loved one, in this case, your mom. And it is surreal. I remember my father's funeral (I was 19) and thinking how could all these people be driving around, going shopping, etc. I knew life went on, but at that time I didn't know how it would. I have missed him greatly throughout the years. You are your mother's daughter and you will make it through this and you will find the way to balance her memory with the new memories you'll create. It's a paradox, I know. You and your family are still in my prayers and I'm trusting that we'll read that your husband has accepted Jesus in the not too distant future.
Blessings,
Karen Wevick

Norma McGee said...

It seems that each time someone close to me has died that heaven seems closer and more real to me. When I think about my grandparents, my husband's grandmother, my honorary niece Kirsti and my dear sister-in-law Kristy that I feel more connected.
From my childhood I knew that Jesus was in heaven and that one day I would be with him, but now I find myself thinking about these loved ones that are already with Him and what they might be doing--walking on streets of gold, feasting on amazing food and asking Jesus all about it....

I know they are all happy and well and that they want me to be happy too. I know that Kristy wants that for each of us!

Love to you, Jennifer. Tell Claudia and Lorenzo that Aunt Norma misses them.

Anonymous said...

Hugs Jenny....
None of it makes sense to me but I know deep down inside there is a reason -

~~Deby said...

Jennifer,
My brother Lorin, went to heaven 2 weeks ago from a GBM...he held on 1 1/2 years...two surgeries, chemo, radiation..you know..
We were there when he passed....his memorial is this Saturday..he was only 44.
What makes this all so much harder, is my mom went to heaven from brain cancer too...2 1/2 years ago...6 weeks before her, another younger brother died of a heart attack, 2 years before him, my dad went home to heaven...
NEW NORMAL...ouch, I still don't know. I will encourage you to cry when you want...to get into the WORD even more....to stay focused on the now...to do what your mom trained you to do, and would want you to do...this is just a brief intermission for us left behind to carry on, we were the ones left for WHATEVER reason, the Lord has something for us to do, that is not finished or we too would be in Heaven..press on....press on..pray on...
Deby
Washington State.
I wrote about Lorin on my blog recently.

Jennifer said...

Deby, I'm so sorry you lost your brother to GBM. What a blessing to know he's in heaven now. Thanks for commenting, I checked out your blog and your sister's blog and read about your Lorin. I'm so sorry for what your family is going through. I will pray for peace and comfort in the coming days and weeks ahead. God bless you.