Wednesday, September 03, 2008

A day of tears

Yesterday my mother-in-law kept Lorenzo, my 2 year old for the morning.

Claudia was in school.

Mommy was at home falling apart.

I rarely have time for tears. I'm busy being the mommy to two small children.

But yesterday I just sat and wept and relived the summer.


I miss my mom so much...

Last night after Claudia's bath, with dripping wet hair, she started sobbing. Break your heart sobs.

With alarm I asked her what was wrong, between big gulps she squeaked out, "I want my nana."

I gathered her in my arms to comfort us both and asked her why she wanted nana.

"I want nana to color with me and paint with me."

A sadness seeped deep in my heart, a knowledge that nana will never again paint or color with Claudia. Something so simple, yet so important.

I tried my best to comfort her and promised I would paint with her today.

Today I have a date with Claudia to paint.


Anonymous said...

Nana will paint with Claudia again...someday...

My heart goes out to you.

Anonymous said...

Dear Jennifer,
I found your blog off your Mom's site which was led to me by your sister from the brain cancer forum. Your post brought tears to my eyes when you talk about your children and how they are dealing with this. You are a great Mom letting your small children in on the grief and embracing it. I lost my Dad in June to GBM, but I've also lost my precious Mom 3 years ago to Leukemia. My kids were small then too...8 and 5 and I so remember all of those comments they made to me about their Grandma. Grief is hard and having young children to explain death too is not easy. I am still answering questions to my now 11 and 8 year old about their Grandpa. It's so hard to stay strong for them, but I have to say you are doing a great job. I've also been reading your Dad's words and they are very touching. You should be so proud of your parents. I'm so very sorry for your loss, it's a tough time. It does get easier, but it's always there.

Hang in there!

Anonymous said...

Bless your heart Jennifer.

You are a wonderful Christian.

I read your mon's, now your dad's blog daily. My daughter knows Julie...I have been reading the blog since early November.

The post you made on his blog today about the unspeakable grief your dad, yourself, the grands, and Julie are going to is truly heartwrenching.

But God is good. As separate individuals, and as a family God will help you through one minute, one hour, one day at a time.

My love and prayers are with you daily.

Anonymous said...

Dear Jennifer -

I wrote to you a while back about also wearing my Mom's wedding ring. She passed away 27 years ago. When I read about your dream about your Mom, I have to tell you about mine. I only had this one special dream but in it my Mom and I hugged and I had the most wonderful feeling from head to toe. When I woke up I still had that same wonderful feeling. It lasted most of the day. I will never forget that dream -- and it's been 27 years. I sometimes have wondered if her spirit and my spirit embraced that night. When I read about your dream it sounded very similar.

Love, Lynne from Claremont

Anonymous said...

I, too, dreamt about my mom in those hazy months after she died. She was laughing and talking about all the wonderful things she was experiencing, and kept telling me, "You just wait! It's beautiful!" She wasn't at all upset about having to leave, but told me to be patient, my time would come at the right time. And off she went.

I love dreams like that. I believe God speaks to us in dreams as he did with people in the Bible. What's the scripture about him "giving to his beloved even in their sleep"?

Jennifer, I'm happy for you. That dream was a gift. Cherish it.

Anonymous said...

I read your Moms blog (and now read your Dads) daily. I was so sad for you and your family when your Mom passed on and remember thinking thank goodness I don't have to worry about that for now. Oh life - your lesson are hard to learn....don't get too comfortable.

Last week my Mom had what they thought was a stroke and was taken to the hospital. She was in ICU for 6 days during which she fought so hard to stay alive but had stoke, liver issues, pnemonia and acute sepsis - every day they told me something else was wrong. The final issue was a valve in her heart that couldn't be repaired any other way but sugery and she wasn't strong enough to live through it. All this illness (my Mom was on dialysis too) finally took their toll and she went home to be with Jesus just last night.

Its been 1 day. My first day on earth without my Mom and I teeter between a breaking aching heart because she isn't here with me (we were so so so close) and a joy filled heart (she is in heaven with Jesus and reunited with her beloved husband who died last year). I can't believe this happens and people live through it but I'm trying. It helps to know that she is healed -- our prayers have been answered and she has a wonderful brand new body that is so healthy.

Thank you for sharing your experience in losing your Mom. It helps to read your entries and know I'm not alone. You and your family are in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

We hope all is as well as can be expected with your mom gone and all. We miss your writings/teachings. Because, that is in fact what you are doing is teaching. You are so much like your mother in that way. You have a God giving ability to write.

God bless you!

Barbara J. Robinson said...


My mother died of cancer in 1998, ten years ago. I still miss her and find myself in tears, but I know she's living her heavenly life with Jesus and is in a better place. Knowing I'll see her again helps. On my blog, I wrote of a scripture that helps me.

I hope it helps you, too.

Blessings and prayers,