I miss my mom so much.
Last night as I celebrated the New Year with my kids and hubby, I looked around and felt blessed. Blessed my children are healthy and happy.
But I also felt such a sense of loss. It really hit me again last night, how much I miss my mom. How much I loved her. I looked at her blog and past pictures and posts and just wanted to reach out and grab her through the computer. I felt like shaking her and saying YOU weren't supposed to die! You're supposed to be here laughing with us.
We are entering a new year without her. It hurts so much... words just don't describe the ache.
For a long time now I haven't read past posts from my mom's blog. All the posts after her surgery... I was with her during those times, busy living it out with her. I didn't want to take the time to sit at the computer when I could spend it with her. I knew it was all there for me to read later.
After she died, it was too painful to look at. It makes it more real that she's gone.
But now I'm starting to go back and read. Oh, to hear her voice through her writing!
When I visited her in March 2008 she gave me a word from the Lord. It was late at night after we spent hours sitting at her kitchen table talking. It would be our last meaningful face to face conversation before she died. The next time I saw her she was in hospice.
I wrote what she said down, she was too tired to write it for me and couldn't write very good anymore anyway. I sat down in her office, she beside me while she repeated what she felt was a word from the Lord to me. I folded the paper up and tucked it in my jewelery box when I got back home.
Now I'm facing a tough time in my personal life and I've pulled out that little note...
I promise I'll share what it says soon...
9 comments:
Jennifer,
We all face the loss of loved-ones differently. I lost my mother to lung cancer in 2003. There isn't a day that goes by where I do not miss her. I will be praying for you.
Together for Christ,
Robert
Thank you Robert. I'm sorry you lost your mother to cancer too. Thanks for your prayers.
Jennifer, Bless your heart. I lost my mother to cancer too. I have learned that though she is gone, 10 1/2 years now, I still learn from her. As I walk through life, the good and the bad, her example still teaches me. I trust you will feel God's strength. This whole story is so amazing. I stand in awe! May God bless you richly. Rachel
Hi Jennifer,
As you'll note, I post on here quite regularly...especially on your Dad's blog. My heart, from the beginning, has been so open to all your family has experienced. I've prayed for you, hurt with you..and even cried with all of you a lot. I lost my beloved Dad in February, and he and I were extremely close. I'm an only child..he and my Mom built on the same property with us 6 years ago...heaven on earth, to be so close with them. Everyone says I look like my Dad, make choices like my Dad...........I am my Dad, as far as his beliefs, morals, outlook on life, etc. I am so PROUD of the earthly father that God granted me. In everything I do, I feel my Dad speaking to me...just as always, advising me with his Godly wisdom. I can even "feel" his warm embrace when I really need him. For, no one ever had a doubt as to how my Dad felt re any subject...he'd lived his life well...with integrity and character, as a devout christian...
Tomorrow is his birthday, and it's difficult, but I feel and "see" him smiling down upon his family telling us that he's okay, that he loves us...that we must be strong, and everything is going to be alright. And, what's even more....it truly is!
Bless you, Jennifer...I hurt with you, and I am praying for you....you are truly a "Pearl of God's Grace."
In Him,
Cathy
Dear Jennifer, I'm so sorry that you lost your precious mom. My mom passed away a couple of years ago from cancer. Truly, there are no words to express this kind of grief. I try to make the holidays joyful for my children, but the hurt inside is unbearable most days. No matter our age, it seems we weren't meant to be without our mothers. There are days I ask the Lord, "Why?" I'm a believer, but I don't understand any of this. I continue to keep you and your sister and children in my prayers. People tell me, "Life goes on," but life is so different without my mom, who cared about the littlest things in my world.
God bless you always,
Nancy
Cathy, I love reading your comments and getting to know you. You are truly uplifting and sweet. I'm so sorry about your dad. I hope his birthday wasn't too painful for you. You sound so strong and I can tell your dad taught you well. Many prayers for you and your mom.
Nancy, I know just what you mean when you said "who cared about the littlest things in my world." That was SO true for me too. My mom was the first one I'd call for so many things. She wanted to know all the details of my life and about my kids. Yes life does go on but it's not the same. In some ways it feels like home has been ripped from my heart and I'm having to rebuild it all while looking around in disbelief she's gone. I long for the day all this pain is gone and we're all reunited in heaven together.
Same as you, Jennifer, I look forward to heaven to be reunited with my mom. We were best friends. It's a bond that cannot be broken. We shared the same history and sense of humor. I've been told that I live in the past, and I admit that I take many a stroll down memory lane, often. For me it can never be "out with the old, in with the new." People mean well when they say, "Time to move on," but it's done nothing to hasten my trip through the grieving process, and I'll never be "over it." My heart and prayers are with you. I truly understand.
Jennifer,
It is all so raw, isn't it? I can remember vividly how it felt when I stepped over into a new year that first year without my mom. It felt like I was leaving her behind and moving on. Of course that's not true, but it was how I felt. I wanted time to stop.
Reading your mom's blog must be comforting for you. I have letters my mom wrote, and her handwriting is a gift. Just to see it, and to know she took time to write...
Cling to the things that represent her. Of course nothing will replace her, ever, but these fragments of your life together are so precious. If I were you, I would also go into the Source code for your mom's blog and copy it if you can, as a backup in case Blogspot ever crashed and lost it. I do that with my own blogs as a precaution.
Bless you, Jennifer. I pray for you and know that God is comforting you and wrapping you in his loving embrace. Your mom raised two wonderful daughters. I can see her influence even in your writing.
LET GOD COMFORT YOUR HEART SWEETIE, HUGS FROM MAINE
http://sophie4me.blogspot.com/
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