Wednesday, July 30, 2008

She's gone

My mom passed away peacefully in her home Monday July 21, 2008 at 6:42pm.

I wasn't with her when died. I arrived about an hour and a half later...

For two months I'd been with her, daily watching for any slight sign of change. I studied all the Hospice materials, peppered each nurse that arrived with questions, read countless online accounts... all so I could try and time it and be there when she passed.

I was in the car on I-95 heading as fast as I could to her when dad called. This was a call I didn't want to take... didn't want to hear. His words to me were "Jennifer, you mother is healed. She's in heaven." And like that she was gone.

When I arrived back at the house after she passed, dear friends and family were there. They kindly took care of my children so I could immediately go to my mom.

I went to her bed and sat beside her and put her arm around me and wept. It's hard to described that moment with my mother. I knew my mother was in heaven, her spirit still very much alive and not dead like the shell before me. But I moaned and wept and grieved anyway, with her arm around me and kissed and smelled her sweet dove soap scent. It only made sense to me that my mother should comfort me during the worst moment of my life.

I finally said goodbye to my mother. Trust me, I haven't lost my faith! I KNOW I'll see my mother again in heaven one day. But if makes sense I was saying goodbye to the woman who birthed me. The mother who held me and cared for me, nurtured and guided me. Even though I know I'll see her again, I know I'll never have that experience again and I had to say goodbye to that...

I feel a supernatural peace over the fact I wasn't with her when she died. I know it's supernatural because I REALLY wanted to be there, I spent two months away from my husband so I wouldn't miss the moment. Yet I missed it by less than two hours.

Matthew 6:8 reads "...for your Father knows what you need before you ask Him."

You see God KNEW exactly what I needed! I believe it wasn't meant for me to be there when she crossed over for several reasons. Yet he allowed me those precious private moments of saying goodbye.

My heart is full of so much more to say but I'll save that for later. I know that despite whatever comes my way our God is a great God. A wonderful, beautiful, loving, caring, amazing merciful God!

21 comments:

Missy said...

Oh Jennifer...my heart just breaks for you as I cannot imagine the pain you and your family are experiencing. It is beautiful to know that she is completely healed and walking with Jesus, but it is also painful to not have her with you anymore.

I love the scripture that you quoted because it is so true. God knows better than us, however we try to fit His will into ours.

I am thankful you had those moments of comfort with your Mom. I will continue to pray for you and your entire family.

God Bless You and thank you for allowing this personal experience to speak to so many through your and your father's blogging. It is amazing how many lives have been changed through this "information super-highway"!

God Bless!
Missy Bennett in Kettering, Ohio

NancyMehl said...

You and your family are in my prayers.

I know that many people have followed this journey with you through your blogs. I also know that a lot of us paid tribute to your mother on our own blogs. I hope you get the time someday to "Google" your mom's name and see how many people your family has touched. And how many people loved your mom.

I'm certain it's difficult now, but someday when you and your mom are reunited, this sad time will be lost like one grain of sand on the beaches of eternity. Thank God for that blessed hope we all have.

God bless you,

Nancy Mehl
www.nancymehl.blogspot.com

Shana said...

amen, sister. continuing to lift you and your family up in prayer.

Shana in Seattle

Anonymous said...

Bless you.

Anonymous said...

Beautiful words! I pray for comfort, peace, healing and joy for you right now.

All our love!!

The Julians

Blissful said...

I am so sorry for your loss.
Love to you.

Lauralee

Photo Buffet said...

Jennifer,
I continue praying for you. You are a good daughter, and your mom was so proud of you.

An email is on its way to you.
Bless you...Bonnie

Kim Law said...

Jennifer,

I don't think we have ever met, my uncle is your uncle. My Aunt Sandra married your Uncle Terry. Aunt Sandra is my dad's baby sister. My dad passed away 6 years ago. I have followed your mom's blog since Aunt Sandra told me about her illness in November.

You and your family have been a great witness of the goodness of God when life is hard to understand. I am sorry for your heartache. My family has prayed for yours over and over the last 8 months.

I am going to continue to pray for you and I can't wait to see how God brings your husband to Himself!

Blessings!
Kim Law

Anonymous said...

I am sorry for your loss.

Eileen said...

I wish cyberspace had a hug factor, for I'd send one your way. Today's your mom's birthday and I know your heart hurts more. Praying for you and your family.

Annie said...

I have been clicking on your blog many times over the last few weeks to check on you. Your faith is an inspiration. I am sorry about the loss of your mother and will pray for you and your family that He will bring you more peace that passeth understanding.

Sincerely,

Kate said...

Dear One,

My heart goes out to you. I'm so glad you are blogging again. I, too, am looking forward to witnessing God's continuing good work in your life and the lives of your family.

When my mom passed I couldn't quit kissing her toes. Such a sweet memory for me.

Love,

Kate.

Norma McGee said...

Jennifer,

What a legacy your mother left for you and Julie. Not only was her life a wonderful example for you, but the journey that led her to heaven was truly an amazing example. We witnessed the ultimate walk of faith as your mom took those most important "steps" into eternity. She did so with a rare grace and poise in spite of the physical tole.

May your children see such an example thru your life.

Much love,

Aunt Norma

Norma McGee said...

Jennifer,

What a legacy your mother left for you and Julie. Not only was her life a wonderful example for you, but the journey that led her to heaven was truly an amazing example. We witnessed the ultimate walk of faith as your mom took those most important "steps" into eternity. She did so with a rare grace and poise in spite of the physical tole.

May your children see such an example thru your life.

Much love,

Aunt Norma

Anonymous said...

Jennifer,

I hurt with you, as I lost my precious Daddy 6 months ago. You're a precious daughter, and that special moment with your Mom that you described is "oh, so dear."

I am praying for you and your family, especially that your Xavier will come to know the Lord. I know it's going to happen, and it's exciting to find out HOW GOD WILL make it happen.

God bless you and yours!

Abbye said...

Jennifer,

I am so very sorry about the loss of your mom. We will all miss her so much and I just wanted you to know that I love you and I am praying for supernatural peace to continue in your heart.

You have been such an inspiration to me throughout this difficult time. Your strength and commitment to the Lord is so amazing and through this site you have ministered strength to others.

Love you so much -

Abbye

Anonymous said...

Jennifer, I have followed your blog along with your mom's blog by your dad. I attended Southeastern with your dad, mom, Terry, Sandra, Ron & Norma. It is so strange to see where life takes us. So many people have been blessed as they watched your family walk through this journey. As I told your dad in response to his blog today, only eternity will reveal how many lives you all have touched. Still praying for all of you.

Clara Oxendine

Beth said...

Jennifer,

I am a "2nd cousin" grandaughter of Noland and Dorothy, daughter of Amanda. I am so sorry for your loss. We could not come to the funeral but have been following your dads posts. What he has been able to write has really been amazing and touched our family.

Sincerely,
Beth

Jennifer said...

Thank you so much for all the comments and support!

It figures that right when I'm ready to get back to blogging, my computer would go out! We finally got it fixed, so get ready for the posts!

Abbye, Thank you for reading and for your prayers. Thanks also for sharing your mother with us, even right after the birth of your daughter. She was such a strength and help to us all and we all appreciate her coming repeatedly. I love you too!

Aunt Norma, Thanks for taking care of my dad. I know he would be lost without you and uncle Ronnie. I'm glad I got to spend time with you, those will be precious memories!

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