WHEN THERE ARE NO WORDS

Today I got the news my mother has lost more vision. With this news comes the worst thoughts...

As I listened to what first my mom and then dad had to say on the phone, all I could respond with was, silence. Several times they had to ask if I was still there. I would assure them I was and could only say "I just don't have any words." There are no words to express the grief, sorrow, pain, or fear. Only silence.

I decided today was the day to listen to the cd of the sermon my uncle Ronnie preached the Sunday after my mother's surgery. The day her life hung in balance. My mother mailed me a copy and I'd been waiting for the perfect time to sit down and listen.

As my son slept in his car seat, I sat in the car and listened. It was a wonderful, faith filled sermon. Absolutely marvelous. In his sermon he spoke on Psalms 77. It starts out with the psalmist crying out to God with no evidence that God was responding. Then in the 10th verse he changes and remembers what the Lord has done in the past. I finished listening to the cd and carried my son upstairs to my apartment.

Out of my silence, somewhere deep inside my soul started pouring forth praises. It was all that would come out of my mouth. I could only speak forth how perfect, how fair, how just, how wonderful my God is. How true His Word is. And then I felt a strong pull to get my Bible out. I kind of fought that thought, as I had a lot of housework to do but the urge wouldn't let go so I got out my Bible and set it on the kitchen counter.

As soon as I set my Bible down, the passing thought came to me "what should I read?" Before that thought could even be completed, a strong wind blew in from my kitchen window that faces the beautiful Caribbean ocean. The wind quickly caught the pages in my Bible and before I could grab hold the pages settled down.

There in front of me was the 77th Psalm. The words jumped out off the pages and I couldn't believe what I was seeing! I couldn't believe the Lord had opened my Bible right to the same psalm my uncle read in his sermon!

I got to crying and laughing! I stood there laughing up a storm! I grabbed hold of my Bible and started shouting out that psalm! I probably read it out loud 10 times. Each time I read it the Word soaked into my soul and revived me. It brought life to me and victory. I stood there laughing, thinking every time I hear bad news, the Lord reaches out to me and with clear, direct signs I get the news of the Lord and it's victory and life!

Psalm 77
1 I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me.
2 When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands and my soul refused to be comforted.
3 I remembered you, O God, and I groaned; I mused, and my spirit grew faint. Selah
4 You kept my eyes from closing; I was too troubled to speak.
5 I thought about the former days, the years of long ago;
6 I remembered my songs in the night. My heart mused and my spirit inquired:
7 "Will the Lord reject forever? Will he never show his favor again?
8 Has his unfailing love vanished forever? Has his promise failed for all time?
9 Has God forgotten to be merciful? Has he in anger withheld his compassion?" Selah
10 Then I thought, "To this I will appeal: the years of the right hand of the Most High."
11 I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
12 I will meditate on all your works and consider all your mighty deeds.
13 Your ways, O God, are holy. What god is so great as our God?
14 You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples.
15 With your mighty arm you redeemed your people, the descendants of Jacob and Joseph. Selah
16 The waters saw you, O God, the waters saw you and writhed; the very depths were convulsed.
17 The clouds poured down water, the skies resounded with thunder; your arrows flashed back and forth.
18 Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind, your lightning lit up the world; the earth trembled and quaked.
19 Your path led through the sea, your way through the mighty waters, though your footprints were not seen.
20 You led your people like a flock by the hand of Moses and Aaron.

This is so hard

Trusting Him at times is so hard for me. The more time slips by the more I feel myself wanting to hold onto my mom, tighter and tighter. What's going to happen to her? I keep hearing that question bounce around in my mind. Is she going to die? Are we going to be grieving her soon? Or are we going to be shouting for joy that she's healed? Which is it I keep wondering... They both are opposite extremes that it keeps my emotions on a roller coaster at times. Most times I just feel numb. It all seems too surreal my mother is asking God to extend her life.

Today I opened a devotional email I get everyday and here was the scripture for today: “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love Him” (I Corinthians 2:9).

Guess what? I can stop asking myself what's going to happen because according to His Word, NO eye has seen, NO ear has heard and NO mind has imagined what God has prepared for my mother!

Whatever it is it's going to be GOOD! Thank you God! You are a good God! Thank you for speaking to me, even when I have a hard time trusting you! You still reach out, ever eager to speak to me through Your Word. You never leave me or foresake me! You are more than awesome, there is no word to describe You!

He's watching out for me

I'm back home after being in Jacksonville with my mom for almost 2 months. Most know she has stage 4 brain cancer and given six months or so to live.

Yesterday I had a really down day. Fear and depression overcame me and I felt utterly defeated. All I could see ahead was darkness and sadness. I felt like giving up the fight. Then my phone rang. It was Brenda, a sister in Christ from my church calling to check up on me. The call was short and sweet, although church and bible study wasn't mentioned it was just the reminder I needed to get me to Bible study the next day (today.) I almost didn't go but that call was the push I needed.

Driving there I decided to pray. My prayer was simple it was something like this "Dear Jesus, I can't help I how feel or some of the negative thoughts running through my mind, but I can control my actions and how I react to them. I choose to attend Bible study today and I'm going to your house to receive strength and comfort. Please help me when I weak. Be strong for me."

When I sat down for Bible study guess what the topic was on? Divine Healing! The pastor's wife, leading the study, finished up an audio tape lesson they had been studying while I was gone. The last part just happened to touch on Divine Healing. She shared scripture and personal experiences of how God can heal. It was EXACTLY what I needed to hear. I sat there in awe as God reached down and touched my heart through scripture and the pastor's wife's words.

She had no idea I would be attending today and in fact after the study told me they were supposed to finish up that last part weeks ago but got distracted and she even questioned why that last little part got delayed. But now it all made sense, that part was for me and God had been working on that for weeks!

During the study, the lady who called me said yesterday she had an unusual intercession of prayer after she hung up with me. She didn't know who she was praying for but when she finished praying at 4:17pm she knew beyond a doubt that her prayer was heard and something had changed.

I know that prayer was for me! That prayer helped bring it all together! Brenda said yesterday she asked the Lord what he wanted her to do that day and the Lord told her to call me.


Wow, once again I'm blown away by the awesomeness of my God.