Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Your comments brought me here...

I'm still around! Thanks for asking about me.

I guess this summer has been a little hard for me. This past May marked one year ago that my mom entered Hospice care and the countdown to her death started. Most of you know I spent those last three months with her.

My mind keeps flashing back. I keep remember things like, "well last July 4th, Julie the kids and I bought a ton of fireworks and set them all off on mom and dad's drive way." Afterward we drove downtown and watched the city firework display.

Where was mom? In her hospital bed dying...

There are no words to describe that grief. The pain of watching her slowly slip away.

Someone, and I can't remember who told me right after she died that the grief hadn't even begun yet. I remember those words and understand them now.

July 21 will mark a year since her death. How can that be? It seems like yesterday. It seems so fresh. I've cried more this summer than I did last summer.

I keep thinking about the family summer vacation we would have taken this summer if she weren't gone...

I feel angry and cheated and I really really really miss my mom.

I guess that's one reason I haven't posted. Right now I'm full of pain and hurting. I know it will be ok, my mom said it would... but I just miss her...so much...

My heartfelt prayer; Dear Jesus, Please tell my mom I miss her but I'm going to be ok with your help. I hear her words, her advice, her encouragement and with your help I will rise up! Love, Jennifer

46 comments:

Missy said...

I can't begin to understand the pain you are enduring. I just pray that you continue to lean on HIM in your darkest days. And it is okay to cry out to him in your anger and your pain and your longing for her. He is a big enough God to handle it and He will be there to love you through it all.

Many are praying for you and your family as the first year mark approaches....

B. J. Brooks said...

I've missed you. I'm glad you are once again sharing your feelings. I always see God in your words.

Many Blessings
B.J. Brooks
(Robinson)

Cynthia said...

Jennifer, I'm glad to see you posting again. I know it must be unbearable but I also know he is greater than all your pain and will continue to help you get through each and every day with his love and grace.
Love you, Cindy Norris

Anonymous said...

Oh Jennifer. I love you so much. I know you and Mom had such a special relationship. I know you feel like she was the only one in the world who truly understood you, who was completely in your corner. I'm so sorry she was taken away. I can never be her, but always know that I love you so much. When you want to talk to her, you can call me. I know how badly you hurt... I know that I'm not available for you as much as she was- she always had time to talk to us, even if she was in the middle of a project. But know, I'm aware of that, and I will be there for you as much as I can. I love you. You are an amazing daughter, sister, wife, mother, and friend. I know Mom is so proud of you. And I am so proud of you too.
Love, Julie

Granddaddy Dykes said...

What two very beautiful granddaughters. I am so proud of you. God blessed you with a wonderful Mother. To again bless you He has given you a wonderful stepmother. He is so good.

Love you,

Granddaddy

Aunt Becky said...

Hey Jennifer,
I pray for Jesus' soon return. Your Mama, grandmother (my Mama), and Aunt Tine and other loved ones are basking in the light of God's love. That gives us some peace, but we still miss them and always, always, always will. No one can take the place of a Mother; no one can give the kind of love that a Mother can. It is hard, so very hard. All we can do when our hearts are hurting is go to Jesus. He is the One Who understands our sorrow, our grief. Thank God for good friends, for a precious sister, for loved ones who pray for us and lift us up each day to our Heavenly Father - those things certainly help. I wish I could just make it all better for you; I do want you to know that you are in my prayers daily (and Julie, too). I love you,
Aunt Becky

Bonnie said...

Jennifer, we exchanged email when your mom was ill and I do know the pain of the "countdown" date, as I lost my mom and then my dad in a short time.

You're feeling the loss of the one who brought you into this world. The Lord understands.

Please take good care of yourself and know that you're in my prayers always!

Anonymous said...

Jennifer,

All summer my thoughts have been going to Kristy and our loss as a family. I miss my sister-in-law...

I pray for Yahweh to comfort you and Julie with His peace.

Much love,

Aunt Norma

THOMBU1 said...

There are no words, just know you are loved and being lifted up in prayer. I fully understand what you are going through right now, cause I am still going through it myself, but I can assure you there is joy and peace at the end of your pain. In my darkest times, our Lord becomes my Father and my Mother and He alone is The Comforter. May He give you a boatload of comfort TODAY!

DayleShockley said...

Words seem so insignificant at a time of such deep sorrow. May the love of Jesus Christ enter into your darkness and bring you comfort, as only He can.

Shirley said...

Hi, Jennifer. You don't know me at all, but I knew your lovely mother. I have been thinking of her a lot lately, as she would always contact me at General Council time and ask if she could bring her books to the GC Bookstore. That is how I got to know and love her. I was wondering why I had not heard from her and began to search on the web to see if I could find her. I was so sad to see that she was gone. I last saw her in August 2008. I shall always cherish my memories of her. What a lovely person she was -- and still is, as she lives on in so many hearts.

Shirley said...

August 2007 was when I last saw your mom. Sorry-I never proof before I publish. :(

THOMBU1 said...

We miss you Jennifer. Hope all is well and the family is doing good. Are the kids starting school soon. The kids around hre start back next week. Too early in my estimation.

Anonymous said...

We miss you! Please keep writing!
--Julie

Anonymous said...

I wish I could take away your pain.

Chill said...

Miss you Jennifer. Hope all is well.

Anonymous said...

Jennifer...I wish to express to you the beauty of your writings! You are your Mother's child... so much is inside your heart and mind that challenges me and other's who read your blog.

I pray you will endeavor to become an author...Grief...is a unique subject...and you have a beautiful way of expressing it from a truthful source...which is inside you...and it comes out...perfectly!

I think of you all often...
I do pray for you...
Life at times 'isn't fair'...and
it is OK to say so...

Thanks for being YOU!
Prayerfully...
Continue to be yourself!
Honesty...is always needed by others...Thank goodness you are honest!

Anonymous said...

Jennifer,

You don't know me, but I wanted to write to tell you how much your writing has touched my heart. Very few people can express their true innermost feelings as you do. I pray you are doing well and will resume posting on your blog. You are a blessing!

Chill said...

I pray God is lighting your path.

WISDOM LIGHT OUR WAY

Where is the scribe, great words to pen?
Let humble hearts understand them
The proud and haughty heart will sin
When choosing paths with spirit dim
Lord give us light onto our path
Let us not fulfill our own whims
And keep us from the coming wrath
Let joy arise from wisdom taught
Keep our hearts from hidden deceits
This understanding can’t be bought
Let’s proclaim her words in the streets
Our souls are blessed by changes wrought
We’re challenged to attempt great feats
Our humble hearts cry out to God
To fill our lives with wisdoms gain
To keep our feet where we should trod
We do pray for the latter rain
His grace we plead will be poured out
With wisdom and light for our way
So we can rejoice with a shout
As we walk with our path as day
The light of life shines round our path
By it we understand God’s ways
It keeps us from the coming wrath
And gives us hope for brighter days
Speak now, Oh Lord unto our hearts
Let us hear your words of power
Sweet words of grace they will impart
And keep us from the evil hour

t.bush

Anonymous said...

Hey Jenn... I miss Mom so much. I think I miss her more now than ever before...
I had a dream about her the other night, which is rare. I've only had one or two dreams about her since she died. She was alive in my dream. It was so neat. To see her and talk with her. Like it was normal. She wasn't sick. It was her old self.
How can the strongest person we've ever known be gone? How did that happen? How did she get that brain tumor?
I love you and am so glad I have you. --Julie

Anonymous said...

Jennifer,
I miss you mother, but I also miss your writings. You have no idea how inspirational they are, even in your pain. I am hoping that maybe you are busy finishing her book and that is why you have not posted in a while. Well??
Praying for you & your family.
Love in Christ.

Anonymous said...

Jennifer,

Where and how are you? We miss your postings and are concerned that you have stopped. Please write a small line to assure us that you are doing ok.

Anonymous said...

Jennifer,

Where and how are you? We miss your postings and are concerned that you have stopped. Please write a small line to assure us that you are doing ok.

Anonymous said...

I love you Jenn and have been thinking about you all day. It's going to be o.k.
Love, Julie

THOMBU1 said...

Miss you bunches and bunches!!!!

THOMBU1 said...

Hi!

Anonymous said...

Jennifer,
I miss your writings!
I lost my mom to cancer when I was in my 30s, just six weeks after her diagnosis. She passed away in December -- almost 20 years ago. It was ... and still is hard... especially around the the holiday season. Thanksgiving and Christmas are just not the same.

So I feel for you and Julie and know the difficult days you face.

Happy Thanksgiving!
May the Lord Bless your family!

Please write again - you have such a great gift!

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