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p.s. I hope I don't delete everything!

Her words

I found the most beautiful card from my mom, it's not dated but I know it's several years old. It was tucked between some books I was reorganizing. It says:

Thank You,

Daughter,

for Giving Me

Happiness and Smiles

I was thinking about you and how much you mean to me and how I can't imagine my life without you. Daughter, you are a blessing that I'm forever thankful for. I love being with you, and every time we're apart there's a little part of me that stays with you.

It goes on but those words... a little part of me that stays with you, just reached out and grabbed my heart. It was as if she was saying to me "I'm still with you..."

I can't imagine my life without you...

I just want to tell her, "I can't believe I'm 30 and your gone from my life. I can't believe you died mom."

As I sit here sobbing I know what she would say to me, she would tell me to call out on Jesus for help.

Mom said to trust...

I miss my mom so much.

Last night as I celebrated the New Year with my kids and hubby, I looked around and felt blessed. Blessed my children are healthy and happy.

But I also felt such a sense of loss. It really hit me again last night, how much I miss my mom. How much I loved her. I looked at her blog and past pictures and posts and just wanted to reach out and grab her through the computer. I felt like shaking her and saying YOU weren't supposed to die! You're supposed to be here laughing with us.

We are entering a new year without her. It hurts so much... words just don't describe the ache.

For a long time now I haven't read past posts from my mom's blog. All the posts after her surgery... I was with her during those times, busy living it out with her. I didn't want to take the time to sit at the computer when I could spend it with her. I knew it was all there for me to read later.

After she died, it was too painful to look at. It makes it more real that she's gone.

But now I'm starting to go back and read. Oh, to hear her voice through her writing!

When I visited her in March 2008 she gave me a word from the Lord. It was late at night after we spent hours sitting at her kitchen table talking. It would be our last meaningful face to face conversation before she died. The next time I saw her she was in hospice.

I wrote what she said down, she was too tired to write it for me and couldn't write very good anymore anyway. I sat down in her office, she beside me while she repeated what she felt was a word from the Lord to me. I folded the paper up and tucked it in my jewelery box when I got back home.

Now I'm facing a tough time in my personal life and I've pulled out that little note...

I promise I'll share what it says soon...