April showers bring May flowers?

Psalms 84:6 NLT When they walk through the Valley of Weeping,
it will become a place of refreshing springs.
The autumn rains will clothe it with blessings.

When I opened my email today I received this verse in a daily devotional.

What hope I find when I turn to the Word!

This verse to me says: "Jennifer, when I lead you through tough times I will be with you. Helping you through even when you can't see your way. All the weeping and pain, I will turn into pools of blessings!"

I'm not going to say goodbye

God is so awesome, so good to me!

I just spend a wonderful week with my mother. The kids and I got to spend quality time with her. I know this time was a gift from God. He's so good to us!

My mom seemed almost her old self. She played with the kids, bathed them, fed them, read to them, painted with them, sang to them.

My dad took the kids to zoo one day so I could have some alone time with my mom. We sat around her kitchen table and talked and talked... things a mother and daughter who are best friends can talk about. I'll never forget her advice and words of wisdom. I wrote down some of what she said and I know I'll pull strength from her words. She quoted scripture, we prayed together, we praised God together.

To be honest I was a little nervous about this trip. Afraid how I would react to her. Would I cry at odd times? Could I hold myself together? Would it be painful seeing her, all the while knowing this could be the last time we... eat at Red Lobster together, go to Starbucks, attend church and worship side by side.

Would this be the last time I saw her smile, read to the kids and best of all give me advice? When I was a teen her constant advice annoyed me, but she never gave up. She tucked little gems into my heart that I now use as a mother, wife, friend, and Christian.

Sometime during the trip I felt the Lord speak to me. He whispered into my heart, "this isn't goodbye." I understand now what He meant when He spoke to me in November and I felt Him say "it's going to be ok." I didn't know then what that meant, how can my mom dying be ok?

The Lord has impressed upon my heart to keep my eyes, heart and desires on heaven. This is how I am going to get through this.

I'm not going to say goodbye to my mother, ever. For whatever reason she's being called home early, leaving us behind. Now is my time to respond to the call God had put inside my heart and continue to become the woman of faith He made me to be.

It's going to be ok because death is not the end. It's a temporary seperation. As long as I keep my eyes on heaven, the pain and fear fade away and joy creeps in! Then I think of my sweet Savior. I picture His face and call out His name and I feel such love and peace. It's hard to describe.

I'm not going to run from my pain. I'm not going to hide from it and I'm not going to be afraid. I'm facing it side by side with Jesus and with Him it's not hard!

Fight for your Faith

I'm in a fight for my Faith.

I wonder how many people feel this way?

So far in my walk with Christ, I haven't felt like I'm coasting through.

I'm at a point where I could go either way. Ever feel like that?

I'll be honest and say sometimes I wonder if it's worth it. Following Christ.

Don't get me wrong, walking with Christ is amazing and at times thrilling. But sometimes this old world pulls me down and I feel beat up.

Sometimes I don't feel like "rejoicing in my suffering" as Paul calls us to do. Sometimes I feel like numbing my suffering.

Sometimes it all seems like too much, the pain...

And then...

What I think is the most important verse in the Bible is whispered into my heart: 1 Corinthians 13:8 Love never fails

I've been pondering over this verse for days and I realize what draws me to God is His love. It's that simple, nothing more and nothing less. I'm convinced if it were anything else I would surely have fallen to the wayside by now. He's got me hooked with His love.

What keeps me hanging on is His love. Then you know what I found?

Romans 8:38-39 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Circumstance can't separate me from His love. Pain can't separate me, depression can't, fear can't, this world can't.

And so I fight for my faith with Christ as my intercessor. I cry out to Jesus and pour out my problems. I'm fighting because I'm not going to let my own neglect to remain Christ be the thing that separates me from God's love.

Where are you today? I call you to FIGHT for what is yours! Don't let the thief who comes only to steal, kill and destroy take from you what is YOURS!

My heartfelt prayer; Dear Jesus, It really is all about you! I'm angry, I'm depressed, I'm sad, I'm hurting... I don't want my mom to die. I want her to live. Dear Jesus, I'm hurting... I'm drowning and you need to throw me a life line! I trust you and I put it all back into your hands. Be with me today and everyday. I invite you into my day, may I feel your sweetness as we walk side by side.

Rainbows

It seems that God just won't let me forget what He's promised me.

Just recently I've seen maybe four or five rainbows. That's very unusual to me.

The other day I was feeling down and looked out my kitchen window. There before me was the biggest rainbow I've ever seen. Just beautiful! It was like God reaching down and gently reminding me what He promised from the very beginning of this cancer journey with my mom. He promised He would never leave me. No matter what happened, He would be there.

Some days I don't feel like praying. Some days I don't feel like doing anything. But even then He doesn't leave me.

I'm learning that God is even more amazing than I ever thought, and I had a pretty high opinion of Him before.

It's pretty amazing that when I'm at my lowest, He reaches down and just loves on me. At times I can feel myself being held by Him.

An honest question with a pure heart

Dear Jesus,
Why does my mom have to die now? Why does my mom have rare brain cancer? Why does such a bright, loved, wonderful, needed person have to die so young?

Dear Jesus,
This hurts so much. I wake in the night and can't sleep. It hits me all over again. My mother has cancer and is going to die. My throat gets tight, burns and I feel sick to my stomach.

Dear Jesus,
Yesterday my four year old, Claudia, said to me "mommy, I don't want my Nanna to die. I LOVE Nanna and she loves me too."

Dear Jesus,
Do you hear that? Claudia doesn't want her Nanna to die, she loves her and Nanna loves Claudia. They have a very special bond. Claudia is her only granddaughter.

Dear Jesus,
Why don't you heal my mom? Right now? Just go and heal her. I know you can do it, so why don't you? You gave me my mother, you know how close we are. You know what she means to me and to our family. Why? Why now?

Dear Jesus,
I know you can't answer my questions right now. I don't really expect answers. But by asking you these tough questions I am telling you how much this hurts and I give the problem to you. You can take the pain, the fear, the doubts, the hurt. I feel your compassion and your love for me and I trust you completely. Your love and peace is so good that I will follow you even when you lead me into the shadow of death with my best friend, my mother.

Love, Jennifer

Vistors from Friendly Atheist:

I am amazed anyone from from Friendly Atheist would be interested in my story. Due to some recent comments I felt the need to post directly to these new readers.

My mother has a glioblastoma multimforme brain tumor. Stage 4 terminal cancer, given 6-9-12 months to live. I ask that you don't come on here and call me names. I receive immense peace from my faith during this terrible time and I don't see any harm in that. I respect everyone has a right to their own beliefs, I'm not interested in converting you. In fact despite what you may think my goal isn't even to convert my husband.

This blog is from MY point of view. How I see things. I've never quoted my husband wrong or lied. He did say (almost 3 years ago) he would divorce me if continued going to church, but I asked him not to do that and like I said our marriage has been restored. I believe due to prayer and devine intervention. I've not added all conversations of what he's said, it would simply be too long.

My husband does NOT define himself as an atheist. He simply says he doesn't believe in ANY God. When you die it's like you go to sleep forever. Beyond that he doesn't know or care to know. I use the term atheist because to me that defines someone who does not believe in God or a God or a higher power.

I just asked my husband if he believed that trade came from God. His words were "I think it was skill and coincidence." His exact words.

Today is my 10th wedding aniversary and we are happily married, he knows about my blog. He knew my parents were ministers when we married but I was away from my faith (not an atheist) so religion and issues of faith were not an issue.

I am very open regarding my faith because I feel I have nothing to hide. We all have what I believe is a God given right to believe whatever we want.

An atheist puts faith into action!

Guess what God has gone and done now?

You'll never guess!

Two weeks ago I requested offering envelopes from my church. Each person is assigned a number and they give you a box of envelopes with your number and predated for each Sunday.

I had it in my heart to give something to my church. I've never been able to give much over the years, just a $20 in the offering plate here or there. My atheist husband almost divorced me over attending church, no way would he allow me to give money to church. Instead I've given my time, helping with the Ladies Bible study. Teaching Sunday school.

But God put a desire in my heart to give some money. I took that thick box of envelopes and looked down at it and said to myself "what am I going to do with these? I have no money to give." Instead I gave my desire to God. I prayed: "God, You see my heart but know I have nothing. So You are going to have to work a miracle and give me some money so I can give. And not only that but You're going to have to get my husband to give me his blessing, because I won't give behind his back."

I left it at that and didn't worry. I put all the pressure on God, knowing there was no way I could do all that. Only Him.

A week later my husband, a stock broker mentioned he made a little bit of money in a trade and I replied "well that doesn't surprise me, because I prayed God would give us some money." I almost mentioned to him "just wait and see what God is going to do next!" But I don't claim to have profetic words so I kept it to myself.

Thursday morning my husband walked into the kitchen grinning ear to ear and said "Your prayers are working! I've just made a decent amount of money on one single trade." Anyone see the financial news of Yahoo being bought by Microsoft? ; )

He danced around the kitchen and I replied "Ok, now I'm gonna tell you." I pulled out my box of envelopes and told him the whole story of how I wanted to give some money to my church but didn't have any. So I prayed God would give me money to give. My prayer had been answered and less than two weeks later at that! God works fast!

I explained to my husband that God loves him very much and wants to bless him beyond what he can even dream of. This was just the start! I explained how when God gives us money like this, especially a direct answer to a prayer, we have to KEEP OUR HAND OPEN. Give it back to God and the flow will keep going. If we take the money and close our fist, the flow is stopped. (I learned that from a dear family in my parents church, the Santiago's.)

I told my husband I wanted him to decide on the amount to give back to God. But I told him "remember what you give will effect what you get back!" Trust God and let Him show you how He loves you!

This morning my husband wrote out a check. I won't say the amount. That actually doesn't matter, but it was more than I thought he'd give.

I put the check in my envelope dated February 3rd and told my husband "You have just put faith into action!" You have trusted God and now wait and see what He will do with that faith!

I can't tell you the JOY I felt at being able to give back to God what He gave me through a miracle! There are no words to describe that feeling! It was almost 3 years ago my husband said he would leave me if I continued attending church and now my husband wrote out a check and gave money to God! WHAT A MIRACLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHEN THERE ARE NO WORDS

Today I got the news my mother has lost more vision. With this news comes the worst thoughts...

As I listened to what first my mom and then dad had to say on the phone, all I could respond with was, silence. Several times they had to ask if I was still there. I would assure them I was and could only say "I just don't have any words." There are no words to express the grief, sorrow, pain, or fear. Only silence.

I decided today was the day to listen to the cd of the sermon my uncle Ronnie preached the Sunday after my mother's surgery. The day her life hung in balance. My mother mailed me a copy and I'd been waiting for the perfect time to sit down and listen.

As my son slept in his car seat, I sat in the car and listened. It was a wonderful, faith filled sermon. Absolutely marvelous. In his sermon he spoke on Psalms 77. It starts out with the psalmist crying out to God with no evidence that God was responding. Then in the 10th verse he changes and remembers what the Lord has done in the past. I finished listening to the cd and carried my son upstairs to my apartment.

Out of my silence, somewhere deep inside my soul started pouring forth praises. It was all that would come out of my mouth. I could only speak forth how perfect, how fair, how just, how wonderful my God is. How true His Word is. And then I felt a strong pull to get my Bible out. I kind of fought that thought, as I had a lot of housework to do but the urge wouldn't let go so I got out my Bible and set it on the kitchen counter.

As soon as I set my Bible down, the passing thought came to me "what should I read?" Before that thought could even be completed, a strong wind blew in from my kitchen window that faces the beautiful Caribbean ocean. The wind quickly caught the pages in my Bible and before I could grab hold the pages settled down.

There in front of me was the 77th Psalm. The words jumped out off the pages and I couldn't believe what I was seeing! I couldn't believe the Lord had opened my Bible right to the same psalm my uncle read in his sermon!

I got to crying and laughing! I stood there laughing up a storm! I grabbed hold of my Bible and started shouting out that psalm! I probably read it out loud 10 times. Each time I read it the Word soaked into my soul and revived me. It brought life to me and victory. I stood there laughing, thinking every time I hear bad news, the Lord reaches out to me and with clear, direct signs I get the news of the Lord and it's victory and life!

Psalm 77
1 I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me.
2 When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands and my soul refused to be comforted.
3 I remembered you, O God, and I groaned; I mused, and my spirit grew faint. Selah
4 You kept my eyes from closing; I was too troubled to speak.
5 I thought about the former days, the years of long ago;
6 I remembered my songs in the night. My heart mused and my spirit inquired:
7 "Will the Lord reject forever? Will he never show his favor again?
8 Has his unfailing love vanished forever? Has his promise failed for all time?
9 Has God forgotten to be merciful? Has he in anger withheld his compassion?" Selah
10 Then I thought, "To this I will appeal: the years of the right hand of the Most High."
11 I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
12 I will meditate on all your works and consider all your mighty deeds.
13 Your ways, O God, are holy. What god is so great as our God?
14 You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples.
15 With your mighty arm you redeemed your people, the descendants of Jacob and Joseph. Selah
16 The waters saw you, O God, the waters saw you and writhed; the very depths were convulsed.
17 The clouds poured down water, the skies resounded with thunder; your arrows flashed back and forth.
18 Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind, your lightning lit up the world; the earth trembled and quaked.
19 Your path led through the sea, your way through the mighty waters, though your footprints were not seen.
20 You led your people like a flock by the hand of Moses and Aaron.

This is so hard

Trusting Him at times is so hard for me. The more time slips by the more I feel myself wanting to hold onto my mom, tighter and tighter. What's going to happen to her? I keep hearing that question bounce around in my mind. Is she going to die? Are we going to be grieving her soon? Or are we going to be shouting for joy that she's healed? Which is it I keep wondering... They both are opposite extremes that it keeps my emotions on a roller coaster at times. Most times I just feel numb. It all seems too surreal my mother is asking God to extend her life.

Today I opened a devotional email I get everyday and here was the scripture for today: “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love Him” (I Corinthians 2:9).

Guess what? I can stop asking myself what's going to happen because according to His Word, NO eye has seen, NO ear has heard and NO mind has imagined what God has prepared for my mother!

Whatever it is it's going to be GOOD! Thank you God! You are a good God! Thank you for speaking to me, even when I have a hard time trusting you! You still reach out, ever eager to speak to me through Your Word. You never leave me or foresake me! You are more than awesome, there is no word to describe You!

He's watching out for me

I'm back home after being in Jacksonville with my mom for almost 2 months. Most know she has stage 4 brain cancer and given six months or so to live.

Yesterday I had a really down day. Fear and depression overcame me and I felt utterly defeated. All I could see ahead was darkness and sadness. I felt like giving up the fight. Then my phone rang. It was Brenda, a sister in Christ from my church calling to check up on me. The call was short and sweet, although church and bible study wasn't mentioned it was just the reminder I needed to get me to Bible study the next day (today.) I almost didn't go but that call was the push I needed.

Driving there I decided to pray. My prayer was simple it was something like this "Dear Jesus, I can't help I how feel or some of the negative thoughts running through my mind, but I can control my actions and how I react to them. I choose to attend Bible study today and I'm going to your house to receive strength and comfort. Please help me when I weak. Be strong for me."

When I sat down for Bible study guess what the topic was on? Divine Healing! The pastor's wife, leading the study, finished up an audio tape lesson they had been studying while I was gone. The last part just happened to touch on Divine Healing. She shared scripture and personal experiences of how God can heal. It was EXACTLY what I needed to hear. I sat there in awe as God reached down and touched my heart through scripture and the pastor's wife's words.

She had no idea I would be attending today and in fact after the study told me they were supposed to finish up that last part weeks ago but got distracted and she even questioned why that last little part got delayed. But now it all made sense, that part was for me and God had been working on that for weeks!

During the study, the lady who called me said yesterday she had an unusual intercession of prayer after she hung up with me. She didn't know who she was praying for but when she finished praying at 4:17pm she knew beyond a doubt that her prayer was heard and something had changed.

I know that prayer was for me! That prayer helped bring it all together! Brenda said yesterday she asked the Lord what he wanted her to do that day and the Lord told her to call me.


Wow, once again I'm blown away by the awesomeness of my God.

The Healing Room

Yesterday I went with my mother to a place called The Healing Room. It's a unique place where one can go and receive ministry regarding healing. They pray with you and have a room of worship.

I was very intrigued by the name and I was surprised by what I experienced. We went to a house that had several rooms set up for prayer. One room had dark wine colored drapes over the windows and a large cross in the corner with a wine colored cloth draped across. Soft worship music played in the background and a picture of a radiant Jesus welcoming a bride into the wedding feast hung on the wall. Small rocking chairs that sat directly on the floor (no legs) created a relaxing atmosphere. A candle burned under another picture of Jesus. Right away I could feel a sense of awe mixed with peace and a sweetness in the place.

In another room we watched a 20 minute dvd on healing, won't go into details there but once again I was surprised by what I heard. Then, four prayer warriors led my mother and father off to another room for a time of prayer and ministry.

The rest of us there went into the worship room with the cross. First off, I picked one of those rocking chairs, hey might as well be comfy when you pray, right? I must not have sat right because the thing was kind of C shaped and I fell back and almost landed with my feet over my head. Good thing I had pants on! Thankfully everyone seemed deep in prayer.

Right away I tried praying but couldn't! Isn't that odd? I thought, now here I am in a special prayer room and all I feel is silence in my soul! I tried over and over, praying different ways, praying different things. But all I was getting was silence. So then I decided, well if I'm not storming the gates of heaven like I thought I would be, I might as well just sit back in this rocking chair and relax, maybe take a nap! JK! So I stretched back, kicked my legs out in front of me and relaxed my whole body and just got real comfy! As I sat there listening to everyone pray around me, something started happening. It was like my soul became a sponge. I didn't have to pray or say or do anything. I opened my palms face up and it was as if those prayers became my own. A peace that I can't describe came all over me. Time stopped. Anxiety stopped. My thoughts stopped and my soul saw a slice of heaven and I saw God. I saw the God of I AM! He just was. Everyone was worshipping Him and I felt the presence of Jesus. I involuntarily smiled, I couldn't help it! He was so sweet. My heart started racing, the thought crossing my mind that if I were older I'd probably have a heart attack because my physical body couldn't handle His glory. Soon it felt like my heart would beat out of my chest and then I starting getting afraid. As quick as my heart started beating like crazy, it stopped and I felt it's familiar comforting rhythm. I felt myself slipping back into this old world and I remember saying to God, "Oh God, I'm young, my heart is young, I can handle some more!" "Give me more!"

It was quite an amazing experience and I learned some very healing things myself! I'll have to share them in another post for another day.

I guess what surprised me most was learning that God just is! All He has for me is already there. All He has done for me has already been done. I just have to receive it! Yesterday was about learning how to receive.

The name Jesus

Even the name Jesus brings such peace. Sometimes when I don't know what or how to pray I just pray His name. There is something about saying His name that causes a change in me and yesterday I saw the same thing at work with my children.

We were driving in the car and Lorenzo, my 2 year, was screaming. He's been having a hard time adjusting to all that's going on. He's also going through the terrible two's. He's been having screaming fits where nothing helps, and I've tried it all so it seems. It suddenly came to me to just pray for him. So I told Claudia my 3 year old, "Claudia, let's pray for Lorenzo."

So I prayed "Dear Jesus, help Lorenzo!" As soon as I said the name Jesus he instantly calmed down. I continued to pray asking Jesus to help Him. To my surprise Claudia started praying too! And not just coping what I was saying, she had her own unique prayer. Her prayer was "Jesus touch Lorenzo's heart." And "God help Lorenzo with your son."

Instantly I felt the peace of Jesus and I KNOW those children did too. There really is "just something about the name of Jesus." Hey isn't that an old song?

God and GBM

GBM stands for Glioblastoma Mulitiforme. Grade four brain cancer. Terminal. No cure and no way out. Has anyone survived? When asked the doctor replied, "What do you mean by survival?" One doctor looked in my eyes and said "When GBM is small, contained and completely removed the patient could live many more years.

My mother's GBM is large, not contained and spread throughout. When my Dad and I sat the doctors office and heard once again how brutal GBM is, we caught each other eyes and unspoken the look was "Oh God!"

The more I've thought about GBM and studied it, the more it has seemed that in the natural GBM is bigger than God. If it were any other cancer, any other type I could see...but GBM?

I've struggled in my heart about what God is up too, what His will is in all this but I've decided I'm not going to worry about that anymore. He can have His plan, His will and I'm going to have His HOPE.

The fact is God IS bigger than GBM!!! And GBM IS UNDER SUBMISSION TO OUR GOD!!! That tumor has to submit to God! I call it out by name and with the healing power of the name of Jesus command it to submit and in the same breath I cry out to my merciful God for a miracle. Kristy Dykes still has work for the kingdom and a life of purpose left and I ask for mercy and more time God!

With that I'm not going to worry anymore about the question "Can He, Will He?" I'm going forward with eternal hope. I'm convinced without hope there isn't life. I heard Him speak that into my heart, without hope there isn't life.

VOMIT

What a yucky title but it's what God has put into my heart today so I'll share about vomit! lol

Proverbs 26:11 As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his folly.

So, I stumbled across this little gem the other day and gasp surely this proverb couldn't have anything to do with me! lol I'd like to think I'm no fool so could quickly pass over this tiny passage. But surprise! Vomit can have something to do with even the squeaky clean. It's when you turn your life over to God that it becomes surprising, the places in our hearts He wants to enter. I'll be honest, there are some places I don't want to be bothered with.

On the other hand I've been praying for God to give me wisdom. It's what my soul craves. I want more from God. I'm expecting more. I want more love. I want more peace. I want to feel Him in the sweetness of peaceful sleep. I want to wake with the sweet fragrance of Him. I want Him to embrace me. I want to experience Him with every single sense that I have. It's a cry from my very soul. The reason I crave this is because I know He is calling me forth. It's what He created me for.

But what to do with some of the wisdom that, I'll be brave and be honest here, I don't think is very wise? In fact some of it seems a little silly to me. Sometimes He'll give me a nugget and I'll think, "really God? That doesn't seem very important or significant." He'll nudge me in that God-like way of His and I'll know I'm not supposed to do something or I'm supposed to do something that I don't want to do. Sometimes I want to hide and say "not right now God, I really don't want your wisdom on this issue. I've got this covered, I'll call you when I need something big, OK God?"

I love how I can be honest with God, so I asked Him what He thought and here's what He told me. As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his folly.

I've prayed for wisdom and He IS giving it to me in a personal, unique, one of a kind way. His word says all we have to do is ask for it and it will gladly be given. Here's what I'm learning about God's wisdom, it doesn't make a lot of sense sometimes when you compare it to worldly wisdom. If I take God's wisdom and compare it to the world and then decide it's not for me than I am like a dog lapping up it's vomit.

My heartfelt prayer; Dear God what a wonderful God you are!! You continue to amaze me with even topics on vomit! God, I've always known I have a STRONG stubborn streak in me. How many times have I prayed you would take that part out of me! I thank you for using Proverbs 26:11 to teach me why you made that stubborn streak in me. God, I don't want you to take that part of me away, thank you for not answering that prayer, instead I thank you for your creation. God, I'm giving you my stubborn streak knowing you will take it and use it to help me become all that you have desired and planned for me to be! It's with your help, us working together that I will obey you. Because I love you, I WANT to obey you!

Today I got to put some Christmas decorations up around the house for my mother. She sat in a chair in the garage as I climbed up into the attic and pulled down Christmas boxes. Those who know my mother well wouldn't be surprised by this but she actually wanted to climb up the attic to sort through the boxes! That sent me into a panic, I mean my goodness the woman just had brain surgery! Does anything slow her down? Thankfully my dad arrived just in time to help pull out ALL the boxes. Dad pulled out all the stuff including outside lights and mom and I both said "oh, we don't need that. If we could just get a tree up inside." But much to my delight my dad said he's putting stuff outside too. As my mother often says to me, I told them both "that just tickles me!" Something about seeing my dad climb up that attic and pull Christmas boxes down with such love and taking the time to put out lights really touched me and meant a lot.

We are going to have Christmas!

That might seem so simple but having that hope fills my eyes with tears and gives me something to look forward too. I love Christmas because I love Jesus and I love thinking of my savior as a sweet babe. He's already so pure and sweet but something about remembering His birth delights me.

This year we're going to have an angel tree with white lights. The white lights are to celebrate the glory of the Lord and the angels are to remind us that God has sent His guarden angels to watch over and protect us.

I've been wanting to blog so bad since my last post but I've been in Tampa staying with my sister while my mom recovered from surgery and no Internet access. Now I'm back in Jacksonville and with my mother during the day, so hopefully I can write more. I'll be staying in Florida until January. My husband came for Thanksgiving for a week and left. He'll be back at Christmas. I want to be with my mother every second I can and I'd like to share how God is taking care of me.

From the very beginning upon hearing this terrible news the Lord has promised me He will be with me and help me. He hasn't left my side and has been my confidant and best friend the whole way. I've cried on His shoulder while He warmly embraces me, I've cried out to Him for advice when there was no one else around to ask. He hasn't disappointed me in the least. When this all began I told Him kind of like this "Ok, God now this is a big blow, mind blowing actually. I'm not quite sure what all you're up too, but you have promised in your Word that you won't give me more than I can handle. So, I've got some BIG expectations of You! If I have to face losing my mother who is also my best friend then I KNOW beyond a doubt you are about to step up in a big, amazing and wonderful way." I'm counting and waiting on Him and it's not going to be any other way. I kinda told Him "God, let's see what you've got!" You know, I actually felt Him kind of chuckle at that! By the way, I find God has a sense of humor!

So let me tell you what He's done so far. First of all He made a way for me to stay in Florida an extended time. My husband has been so wonderful, loving and supportive. He understands that I need to be with my mother during this and supports me being here. Another thing the Lord lined up, after the surgery I left with the kids to Tampa so my mother could get quiet rest. It's amazing how loud 2 and 3 year olds can be! lol anyway... The Lord lined up a house for me to stay at 10 minutes way from my parents. A dear couple in my parent's church Ann and Bill arranged it all. When Ann took me inside the house to show me around, I lost my breath and my eyes filled with tears at the wonder of my God. You wouldn't believe how perfect this place is for me and my two little children. It was as if this house had been made for us! With children's videos to books and toys. In the cabinets were some of my kids favorite foods that Ann said we could use! God said right down into my heart in that house "Now didn't I say I'd take care of you!" The next big thing the Lord did, He provided TOP of the line childcare for my children so I can help take care of my mom during the day. My dad's best friend Don is the headmaster at Providence and arranged for my children to be in the preschool program. This school is AMAZING! Again I'd blown away by my God. My God knows me intimately, He knows how I feel about my children and He provided THE BEST so I feel totally confident in leaving them. As if that isn't enough Lorenzo my two year old has been having a hard time adjusting to everything going on so I took him to a walk-in clinic and discovered he has an ear infection. So today a wonderful friend in my parent's church who runs a home daycare is taking care of Lorenzo for me so again I can be here with my mother! Annette and her husband Gary have the biggest hearts and know just how to care for him giving that extra special touch!

Well isn't my God good??? I'm sorry if this got so long I just couldn't help but shout out how wonderful my Lord is!

It's time

Wednesday night as I was reading my Bible I found my mom listed in there. No, her name Kristy Dykes wasn't written but if you read Proverbs 31 Epilogue: The Wife of Noble Character you will find her.

Last week I felt the Lord whisper into my heart the words Rise Up. It's time to Rise Up. So Wednesday night I looked up the words Rise Up in the Bible and here is what I found.

Proverbs 31:28 Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her

As my sister and I sat in the ICU waiting room Thursday afternoon we started to cry out "what are we going to do?" In my spirit cried the words rise up. So I shared with her what we're going to do as her children.

It's time to rise up and be everything our mother has taught us to be. All the training, all the diligent guiding she's given since the time we were born until becoming young ladies. It's time to rise up and become what she knew all along was inside us. So much wisdom she has given us, little nuggets here and there. I'm going to make my mother proud. This isn't going to destroy me, it's going to make me stronger. My mother is going to come alive in me, her words, her training... I'm going to strive all my life with the sweet help of Jesus to Rise Up.

My mom's brain tumor

We found out yesterday that my mom's brain tumor is called a glioblastoma multiforme grade four. All you have to do is google that word and you will know how bad it is. They have given her 6 to 9 months here on this earth.

It's hard to believe that unless a supernatural miracle happens my mother will no longer be on this earth. I don't like the word die, do you know why? Because my mother is not going to die. Sure her body will give out but SHE, her spirit, the thing that makes her who she is will not cease. She's going to transition. So I perfer the word transition. In 6 to 9 months my mother is going to transition from this earth to heaven.

My mother has described a cloud of peace that is around her and I'm going to try and describe it in a little more detail. All around my mother is a sweetness. It fills her hospital ICU room. You can see it touching her, you can see it in her face. There is no fear in that room or anywhere near her. Something draws me to that room and comforts me. My spirit senses it and rejoices in it's sweetness. I can feel Jesus in that room, He is so close to her whispering in her ear. People come in and out to visit but He never leaves her side. He is waiting for her patiently with a sweet knowing smile on His face. He isn't going to leave her, from this point out He's waiting by her side. When I sit in that room by my mother and close my eyes that peace settles all around me and I never want to leave. All my life I've had an image of what death and news of this nature would feel like and this is NOTHING like what I thought. It's too much to describe in just a few sentences but there is no fear. It is sweet and fills me with awe. This passage in 1 Corinthians 15: 54-55 has come alive for me and I understand it in the deepest parts of my soul: So when this corruptible shall have put on incorruption, and this mortal shall have put on immortality, then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written, Death is swallowed up in victory. O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?

We have the victory!! This tumor doesn't, death doesn't. Satan can throw the worst at us and still we will rise up in victory!

When you hear the worst

Yesterday I heard the worst news of my life. My mother has a brain tumor and it's cancer...

I didn't believe her when she called and told me. I remember yelling at her saying it wasn't true...

I don't know why this is happening but I do know He has been beside me comforting and giving an unusual peace.

It must sound very odd to say you have peace when the worst thing that can happen is happening. But this is what I know, He's got my mother in the palm of His hand and there is no other place I'd rather have her be. I know He's going to be there with her every step of the way. He's promised this and God doesn't go back on promises.

My heartfelt prayer: Dear God I'm not sure what you are up too yet but know this, our family loves you and we dedicate our lives to you. Our lives are not our own but yours dear Lord. And so we look up to you and we worship you because you are good and holy and just. Nothing can ever separate us from your love and to your love we cling. We stand with our arms open expecting, waiting and receiving your love and peace. I thank you with all my heart for giving me my mother. I thank you for her creation, she is yours and she's beautiful...

It's not OKAY GOD

I haven't been able to post in awhile, I guess I needed to get my thoughts together first. I had a stand still for a few weeks with God. Of course it was self imposed, thankfully God lovingly stood by me. Patiently waiting...isn't He a good God?

My son Lorenzo had a febrile seizure last month. It was completely unexpected. My husband was out of town and I went to bed early and woke at 10:30pm when he cried out. I went to check on him and he was in the middle of a full blown seizure. I didn't realize in that moment it was a seizure, I thought he'd had a stroke. It looked horrific with foam coming out of his mouth and his little body contorted and his eyes rolled back in his head. I kind of lost my mind for a moment and went to a place I wouldn't wish on anyone. I thought for sure he was either dead or going to be brain dead. Neighbors called 911 and I realized he was burning up from fever and it was a seizure, I got him into a cold tub and he stopped jerking although he stayed in a contorted state with eyes rolled back for more than 30 minutes. The police rushed us to the ER and I learned there he would be completely fine and have no lasting effects whatsoever from the seizure. I stood in the ER barefoot, in pajama's and sobbed with relief into my sister-in-law's arms. It was a horrific and life changing night for me for sure. It felt like I went to hell and back, there was one point I clearly remember (although really the whole night is etched forever in my mind) as I stood over my sweet baby Lorenzo and watched him seizing in the tub I screamed out to Jesus and was met with...silence. There was absolutely no sense of God's presence at all, and I realized if Lorenzo died or had lasting damage from the seizure that it wouldn't be okay. I would not be able to say "it is well with my soul."

And so this started my stand still with God. Not for a moment did I question the reality of God, even though I didn't sense Him in my need. It was realizing that I'm not in control and if something happens to my precious babies it is NOT going to be alright with me. I didn't feel like talking to God about it, because really how can you tell God "you know what God, it's not okay that you are in charge and in control and if you mess with me I'm not going to be happy about it." But after I sulked for a few weeks I finally decided to tell Him what I thought. Of course He wasn't surprised! ha ha!

But you know what I got the surprise! Instead of Him telling me to come back when I was ready to hand over the reins and get over my haughtness; He wrapped His arms around me and comforted me! You know what He said? He whispered into my heart how He once LOST a son and witnessed His son's horrific death and He knew exactly how I felt. He understood how it wasn't okay. My emotion wasn't new, it didn't shock Him! He just loved on me, and with that I was able to let the pain of the memory start to fade.

I don't know why that night happened. I don't know how parents handle the death of a child. I learned that night that I wouldn't be able to handle it and thankfully I didn't have to go through that. But I do know this, we have an amazing God that is always there, just waiting to lavish love on us and longing to help us. The question is, will we let Him?