Missing out

My heartfelt prayer: Dear Jesus, Today the kids are sick and we are stuck here at home. I'm sorry I can't meet you at your house this Sunday, how about you come over and we meet at mine? I invite you into my day and ask you to be by my side. Help me comfort my sick little ones and give me extra strength and patience to be the good mother you have called me to be. Love Jennifer

Puerto Rico

This is a picture of my little guy Lorenzo. He turned 3 in November. We went on a long walk together while his sister, Claudia was in school.

This was taken in my neighborhood. One of the things I love about Puerto Rico are the colors of the island. The sky is SO blue and the trees SO green. You have to see with your own eyes to know what I mean.

I just love sitting in my backyard and looking at the bright green palm trees against the brilliance of the blue.

Not long ago we had mother bird make her nest in one of our palm trees. It was so neat watching the babies grow up. I got to see the mother teaching her babies how to fly. She led them all out on the palm branch and encouraged them to take flight.

That's what my mother did all my life, she taught and taught me so I could make it in this life.

Now she's gone and it's my turn to fly off and soar... taking all she taught me to help make my life count.

My heartfelt prayer: Dear Jesus, Thank you for the beautiful gift of life. Thank you for the wonderful mother you blessed me with. Help me to be a good mother to little Lorenzo and Claudia. Give me little bits of wisdom throughout my day to help develop what You created inside them. Love, Jennifer

Waiting Quietly

Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in him

Psalms 62:5

Have you ever been in a time of waiting? Waiting for the blessing of a child... waiting for a healing? Waiting to hear about a job?

That's where I am today, waiting to hear if I got a job that I interviewed for last week.

Times are tough and I need this job. I hate the unknown... I like to know what's going to happen and have a game plan.

But like always in life, certain things are out of my control. So I turn to Him and wait quietly. Knowing my hope is in Him, not in a job.

My heartfelt prayer: Dear Jesus,

I am confident in you. You know exactly what I need physically and spiritually. You know me inside and out and so I simply trust and wait on you. I promise you today to do my part and I can't wait to see what you hold in my future. Love, Jennifer

Grateful Today

24 This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it. Psalms 118:24

This day was made by Him and oh how I rejoice in all He has given me!

It's amazing that three years ago when I cried out to Him for help to restore my marriage and keep my family together He saw this picture above! All the time He had me in His hands and He never left me. There were times that were scary and unknown but He brought me through!

My heartfelt prayer: Dear Jesus, Today I am grateful for a loving husband and father. Thank you for the love you put into my heart for this man. Jesus, use me today to show him your love. Love, Jennifer

Background color

***UPDATE***

I'm frustrated about the color thing, I just can't get it to change! I'm thinking of changing the whole background to get a lighter color, maybe something in turquoise in honor of my mother... but I really like the faith, love, peace thing so I'll keep working on it!



I wanted to reply to the person who asked me about making the backgroud lighter, I'm going to play around and see if I can do that. Right now it doesn't allow me to do that because I'm using a the background from a certain website, please give me a few days to work on it! I certainly want it to be easy on the eyes!

My New Look

I'm so excited about the new look my blog is taking. I haven't been happy with the look of this blog for a while but didn't know how to make changes. I thought about hiring someone to do a makeover on it. Finally I prayed and what do you know but I found a site that helped me re-do it all on my own!

Yea!

I've still got more work to do. I need to update the profile and I want to start adding pictures. I love reading blogs that are personal and have pictures.

I've worked on getting the print as dark as possible to make it easier on the eyes to read. If anyone has any comments or suggestions I would love to hear them.

I'm going to take this blog in a lighter, different direction. I've thought of starting another...but I love to journal about Him! So I'm keeping the title the same but my post topics will including more personal, family stuff going on in my life.

This morning the kids and I are off to church. Javier left early this morning for a bike race. Thankfully a friend picked him up since we are sharing a car right now. I was worried I wouldn't have a ride to church.

It's my turn to teach the preschool class! Yippe!

My heartfelt prayer: Dear Jesus, Please come into my day right now. I pray you will walk with me into the classroom and be by my side as I share about your amazing love. I pray you will send angels down to surround my children, especially Lorenzo. Give me special wisdom to lead the class while still wearing my mother "hat." Love, Jennifer

Blog Under Construction

My blog will be undergoing some changes. Check back for a new look!

p.s. I hope I don't delete everything!

Her words

I found the most beautiful card from my mom, it's not dated but I know it's several years old. It was tucked between some books I was reorganizing. It says:

Thank You,

Daughter,

for Giving Me

Happiness and Smiles

I was thinking about you and how much you mean to me and how I can't imagine my life without you. Daughter, you are a blessing that I'm forever thankful for. I love being with you, and every time we're apart there's a little part of me that stays with you.

It goes on but those words... a little part of me that stays with you, just reached out and grabbed my heart. It was as if she was saying to me "I'm still with you..."

I can't imagine my life without you...

I just want to tell her, "I can't believe I'm 30 and your gone from my life. I can't believe you died mom."

As I sit here sobbing I know what she would say to me, she would tell me to call out on Jesus for help.

Mom said to trust...

I miss my mom so much.

Last night as I celebrated the New Year with my kids and hubby, I looked around and felt blessed. Blessed my children are healthy and happy.

But I also felt such a sense of loss. It really hit me again last night, how much I miss my mom. How much I loved her. I looked at her blog and past pictures and posts and just wanted to reach out and grab her through the computer. I felt like shaking her and saying YOU weren't supposed to die! You're supposed to be here laughing with us.

We are entering a new year without her. It hurts so much... words just don't describe the ache.

For a long time now I haven't read past posts from my mom's blog. All the posts after her surgery... I was with her during those times, busy living it out with her. I didn't want to take the time to sit at the computer when I could spend it with her. I knew it was all there for me to read later.

After she died, it was too painful to look at. It makes it more real that she's gone.

But now I'm starting to go back and read. Oh, to hear her voice through her writing!

When I visited her in March 2008 she gave me a word from the Lord. It was late at night after we spent hours sitting at her kitchen table talking. It would be our last meaningful face to face conversation before she died. The next time I saw her she was in hospice.

I wrote what she said down, she was too tired to write it for me and couldn't write very good anymore anyway. I sat down in her office, she beside me while she repeated what she felt was a word from the Lord to me. I folded the paper up and tucked it in my jewelery box when I got back home.

Now I'm facing a tough time in my personal life and I've pulled out that little note...

I promise I'll share what it says soon...

Just WHAT is she doing up there?

I don't know why my mom was taken from us.

I don't know why she didn't live to 100 like we all thought she would. But I believe there IS a reason.

I like to imagine what she's doing up there, what that reason is. I think she's up in heaven writing.

Revelation 20:12 (New International Version)
12And I saw the dead, great and small, standing before the throne, and books were opened. Another book was opened, which is the book of life. The dead were judged according to what they had done as recorded in the books.

When I found this verse I felt like it confirmed to me the reason why she was taken. The Bible clearly mentions books, then the book of life. It doesn't say (that I've found) who the author of all those books are. Our lives are being recorded in books and somebody has to write that.

Could it be that she's writing up there? Of course I really don't know, but something tells me she isn't just sitting up there on a cloud floating around. She wouldn't stand for that! She never sat and just did nothing! ha!

New Normal

How long do you think it takes until something different because the new normal?

How long do you think it takes for the deep wound on a heart to turn into a thick red scar?

Shock.

When I wake and remember...she is gone, it seems crazy. Absolutely nuts.

She taught me about heaven and now she's experiencing it. Surreal.

I don't want this to be the new normal. I don't want the wound on my heart to heal and become thick. Toughened with time.

But time keeps passing...

We all have to go on and she keeps slipping father into heaven.

I keep thinking, why did she have to die? What are we supposed to learn from this? Why do we learn at such a high price?

God's answering that prayer!

It didn't take long for God to answer my prayer below!

The Sunday after my prayer, I attended a birthday party with friends. I've waited years for the opportunity to share God's love with this particular group.

What do you know but the subject of faith just happened to come up and my God given moment was before me.

I'd like to say I opened my mouth and some spiritual gems just fell out and my friends listened on in amazement.

But the truth is, I started to sweat and breathe funny, my mind went blank and I wondered if I was going to blow it.

All I could think of was how real God is to me, how personal and sweet. A constant, ready help in times of need.

This one guy was doubting the validity of the Bible and I asked him "do you want to know how I know that God is real?" He eagerly responded, "please tell me, I'd love to believe."

I shared with him how God is a personal God who meets our individual and unique needs. I shared how my mother had just died of a brain tumor and with God's help she died with amazing peace and grace. Something that without Him would have been impossible.

I didn't get the guy's response as we were interrupted and the moment passed. Someone else could have responded so much better, but with me God works on a basic level and all I can do is share what He means to me.

I wish everyone could experience just a drop of His love. I promise if they'd only get a taste, they would never forget it or able to escape that kind of love.

Cutting the cord

Sunday my pastor used an illistration in his sermon, once he was in a hot air ballon and the pilot let him try lift off.

He pulled the cord...

Nothing happened.

Pulled it again...

Still no lift off.

With laughter the pilot informed him he forgot to release the cord holding them down.

The great question was, "What is holding you down?"

"What's keeping you tied down in your walk with the Lord?"

Is it your job? Your husband? Your wife? Your kids?

What's keeping you from soaring?

I heard the pastor say, "Some of you are wonderful Christian's. You know Jesus. He's your Savior, your friend and He means a lot to you. But some of you will never reach all that He has for you, because you are tied down."

I had one of those unique moments when every sense sharpens, everything unimportant dims and you know, you just KNOW the Lord is speaking to you. Your heart races, your breath quickens, you strain to "catch it." You know it's a life defining moment you really don't want to miss.

For weeks my heart has been searching, wondering... why am I tied down?

In my corner of the World it's very dark. Most times the light in me, trying so desperately to get out is the ONLY light.

My life is THE mission field.

Daily I walk alone with my Savior.

I have no partner to pray with, no friend to hold hands and pray with.

It's just Jesus and Jennifer.

At times it's fear holding me down. Fear is binding and crippling.

Sometimes it's approval seeking that ties me down.

My mom often told me how God has put me in a unique situation to be a witness, a light to a lost and dark world.

With tears rolling down my face I prayed for helping cutting that cord.

I prayed for unique God given opportunities to speak the truth to a dark and lost world.

A world that is desperately and tightly holding it's hands over stubborn deaf ears.

An Atheist Reaps God's Blessing!

I'm shouting to my roof tops, can you hear me?



The heavens are rejoicing that our God is faithful and true!



Do you remember back in February when I prayed asking God to bless me so I could have money to give to my church? Do you remember how God answered that prayer and my husband made some money in a trade and in turn wrote out a check to my church? Checkout this link and read the bottom post titled: An Atheist Puts Faith Into Action: http://its-all-about-him.blogspot.com/2008_02_01_archive.html

In February I told my husband God loved him and wanted to bless him and this was only the beginning! I told my husband to just wait and see what God was going to do for him!

My heart is bursting from joy at seeing this prayer answered!

God has caused a turn of events at my husband's job and the blessings are pouring down on my husband. While I'm so thankful this is providing our family the opportunity to move into a house with a pool, it's not even this extra blessing that is making me sing!

It is seeing my husband's faith work out! It is in knowing God wants my husband, is calling to him, is loving on him! WOW! What an AWESOME GOD who loves us SO much!

Before my mom died, I asked her that when she got to heaven to please ask God to have unusual mercy on my husband.

I know she did and I know God is showing my husband His wonderful love and mercy!

Now my desire is to give again! Let's see what my husband says about that! Will he close his fist or will he open it once again! Stay tuned!

A day of tears

Yesterday my mother-in-law kept Lorenzo, my 2 year old for the morning.

Claudia was in school.

Mommy was at home falling apart.

I rarely have time for tears. I'm busy being the mommy to two small children.

But yesterday I just sat and wept and relived the summer.

Memories...

I miss my mom so much...

Last night after Claudia's bath, with dripping wet hair, she started sobbing. Break your heart sobs.

With alarm I asked her what was wrong, between big gulps she squeaked out, "I want my nana."

I gathered her in my arms to comfort us both and asked her why she wanted nana.

"I want nana to color with me and paint with me."

A sadness seeped deep in my heart, a knowledge that nana will never again paint or color with Claudia. Something so simple, yet so important.

I tried my best to comfort her and promised I would paint with her today.

Today I have a date with Claudia to paint.

She came to me!

My mom came to me! In my dreams that is!

I remember after my grandma died, my mom told me she'd pray God would give her dreams of her mother. And He did. She had many wonderful dreams of my grandma.

I've been praying the same thing, asking God to give me sweet dreams of my mom.

Last night my prayer was answered!

I dreamed I was at my aunt Becky's house and all the family was there. I was down stairs and looked up to see my mom coming down the stairs toward me. We embraced tightly in a long hug. The embrace felt so real, it was so sweet, so warm, so deep...

She pulled back from me and said, "let me see my ring." She took my right hand and held it in hers looking at her wedding ring that I now constantly wear.

I asked her "mom, are you sad that you no longer wear this ring? That you're no longer with us?"

With tears of joy streaming down her face she responded, "no, I'm so proud of you and feel blessed you now wear my ring and carry on."

In my dream I told her, "well mom, one day I'm going to put down your ring and join you in heaven." She was nodding her head saying, "when you put the ring down is when we'll see each other again."

I woke up with tears on my cheeks and my pillow damp.

Immediately I praised my Lord for this wonderful dream! What a loving, caring heavenly Father I have! He is worthy of all praise and glory.

I believe this dream is an answer to prayer.

Yesterday was a very tough day for me. Darkness clouded my heart, a shadow swept over my mind and loneliness crept in, cold and ugly.

I picked up the sword of Truth and quoted Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

I fixed my mind on what is true- I'm a child of the most High King, on what is lovely-one day I'll be walking in heaven with my loved ones, and on what is excellent and praiseworthy-my God is a great God and worthy of all praise and honor.

Light pierced my dark mood and peace and joy took it's place.

Traffic and pocket Bibles

Every morning Claudia, my 4 year old has to be at school at 7:30am. She started pre-k which apparently is the new kindergarten. She has homework everyday and is quickly picking up Spanish as that is the language spoken at her school.

We live about 4 minutes away from her school with no traffic. But traffic here in the mornings is HORRIBLE, it takes me 50 minutes round trip. Most of that traffic is standstill. There are so many cars, so many people, so many schools in such a small area. You just have to patiently wait your turn to creep up slowly to the school and then scoot your child quickly out the car door. And be very careful not to hit your side mirrors with other passing cars as you twist and turn your car to fit through too narrow streets, lined with illegally parked cars.

I don't like wasted time, so I take a small New Testament pocket Bible with me and read and pray the Psalms as I sit and inch my car along.

The other day I pulled my pocket Bible out of the glove box and looked at the cover. A picture of Jesus sitting on a mountain side preaching looks back at me. I remember when I got that Bible! My mother took me to a Christian book store and let me pick out whatever I wanted. She loved to buy me Christian reading material, she said it was a good investment.

That day I picked the pocket Bible and took it with me on our Orlando vacation. Early mornings sitting on the balcony I would read, then later share with my mom that great finds I came across.

While sitting in the car the other day reading, it dawned on me that almost every single Bible I own was bought by my mom. All different sizes, covers, translations, and study Bibles.

The loss of my mom has left a gaping hole in my heart. I ache, I miss her, tears don't do justice to the pain. But while looking at that pocket Bible, I realized my mom gave me something that can never be taken away from me, never lost, never die and slowly it's filling up that gaping hole. It's the living Word of God!

Wow! What an investment she made! One that will pay off big time! It's as if she always knew I'd need all those Bibles. While she isn't here to guide me in my adulthood, she gave me something that can!

The wisdom of a child

Javier and I rode in silence down the road. It had been a long day and riding in the dark in silence was a comfort.

A huge plane broke the night sky and flew overhead, heading to the nearby airport.

Claudia excited sings out "oh, look a plane! Look Lorenzo a big, big plane!"

Claudia, ever eager to chat tells Lorenzo "I remember going on a plane to nana and papa's house!"

In the nonchalant way only a child can speak she continues, "But nana's dead now."

Lorenzo picks up on this and chants "Nana's dead, nana's dead, nana's dead."

"Look, Clau-ya!" He says, his two year version of Claudia's name.

"Nana dead like this." He rolls his head back against the cushion of the carseat, eyes closed, jaw slack, mouth open wide.

Claudia ready to impart her wisdom as the older sister, puts her hands up in the air as if to say hold it and with breathless excitement exclaims "oh, oh, oh, I know, I know!" "Lorenzo, Nana is in heaven now! She's not dead. She's in heaven with God and her heart."

For a rare moment everyone in the car is quiet, reflecting...

Something new dawns on Claudia and she asks "Mommy, how did nana get to heaven?"

I sit there trying to quickly come up with the best answer, knowing my atheist husband is also listening. What pressure! In my quick pause, Javier throws in "she took a plane!"

Before I could even think, I head the words coming out of my mouth, "No, Claudia. Jesus came down and took nana up to heaven with Him."

The beauty and truth of that simple statement daily wraps it's arms around me and comforts me.

I look forward to the moment when I share with Claudia in detail how nana went from papa's arms to the arm's of Jesus. That sacred, holy moment when nana let go of this world, of papa's hands and grabbed hold of her Savior's.

37 years

37 years is a long time. Today, August 14th would have marked 37 years of marriage for my parents.

To say "would have marked" is very hard for me type. I still find it unbelievable she is gone...

Don't you?

Before my mother got really sick she sat my sister and I down and went through her jewelry. While it was incrediable difficult, I'm so glad she thought to do this with us. It means the world to me to know she wanted me to have some of her pieces.

For me, she gave her wedding ring. What an incredible honor. I wear it daily on my right hand, only taking it off at night. My dad let me take it back home with me and I'll be forever grateful.

I'll never forget after I put it on my finger and showed him, he looked at me with such pride and love shinning in his eyes and said "I'm so proud and honored for you to wear it." That meant more to me than I can ever express. I'll never forget the look of love and pride my dad had for me in that moment. I feel sure my mom was looking on in pride at him! In that moment I felt her legacy being passed on to me.

Her wedding ring that I now wear is a symbol of undying love, faithfulness, and commitment. It stands for 37 years of what I pray to be.

It is a constant reminder that love is a commitment. That marriage CAN work! 37 years ago my mother made a vow to love my dad unto death, and boy did she ever! Like wise my dad made a vow to love unto death and I've never seen a person do that like my dad did. He never left my mom or gave up on her. In a time and world where people are giving up like crazy, my dad never failed to love her or be there for her. He was her hero and he lived up to that word in every sense.

When I wear her ever familar ring, I feel like a piece of her is with me. When I soap Claudia's hair, I'm reminded she wore this ring when she soaped my hair as a child. When I make her famous meat balls, I'm reminded she wore this ring when she made meat balls for us. I think of the people this ring has touched while praying for those in need. I think of the hundreds of task she did all while wearing this ring. There's a lot of history, a lot of legacy, a lot to live for and a lot to live up too.

In a hard to describe way I feel her with me, helping me, encouraging me, cheering me on. I don't feel like the same mother or wife anymore. Everything has softened and there is a peace about me. Even those around me have commented saying there is a glow about me, something different.

I close for now saying thank you for support and prayers. I know many haved emailed me or sent cards and I want to say that it means the world and has held me up when I felt like falling down.

God speaks to a child

Last night I was reading a Children's Bible my mom bought Claudia before she got sick.

We just finished reading My Little Ponny and Claudia picked out her Bible and opened up to the Parable of the Pearl (Matthew 13:45-46.) I was amazed this story was the one she picked and felt it was God speaking to us through his Word. In bold letters the story topic read: Heaven is more wonderful than anything on earth. We should let nothing on earth keep us from heaven. I will thank God for making heaven for me!

The next story she picked was the parable of the net (Matthew 13:47-50.) In bold the topic read: All Christians will go to heaven. Heaven is a wonderful place. I love God. I will go to heaven!

Two stories on the topic of heaven, direct from the Word, written so children can understand and see pictures and from the very Bible my mother picked out for Claudia!

Heaven has been a hot topic for Claudia lately. She's fascinated with it and trying with her little mind to understand.

We talk often how nana is in heaven. Nana had her birthday party in heaven with Jesus (August 2nd) and we pray every night for nana. We pray: "Dear Jesus, Thank you for this day. God bless nana in heaven." We've always prayed for our family each night and after nana died, there was a giant hole in our prayers. How could not pray for nana? God put it into my heart that we can pray for her, for her blessings in heaven with Him!

Claudia's hit me with some hard questions. After the funeral we went to the grave. Julie and the four kids and I walked up to a fresh mound of dirt, with beautiful white roses on top. Tons of flowers surrounded.

Claudia said: "mommy is nana in that dirt?" I swallowed hard and had to say, "yes, honey she is." I'll never forget the look on her face. She couldn't believe her sweet nana was down there. With pouting lips and tears in her eyes she shouted "NO FAIR!"

She's later asked me how can nana be in heaven if she's in that ground? I've explained that nana's heart is in heaven. The part that makes nana who she is, is with God. She asks all the time if we can go there. Last night in her prayers she said: "Dear God, bless nana's heart and please bring her back to us."

These are hard times but God is good through it all! I can already see a major blessing from all this pain. Heaven is now a much talked about subject in our house! That is not a small thing, living with an atheist! Now there is a Holiness, a reverence that even Javier can feel!