Saturday, March 31, 2007

who am I?

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8Love never fails.

In my life I've struggled off and on with depression. As a Christian my depression sometimes comes from struggling to understand and accept who I am.

Tonight I was lying in bed thinking who I am. As usual I started thinking about all the things I don't like about myself. I was thinking on 1 Corinthians 13 and reading off to myself the list of things that love is: love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud... on it goes.

I've often struggled that these things don't seem to be in my nature, this doesn't seem to be who I am by creation. I can try to be these things. I can meditate on them and redirect my thoughts and actions. I can pray and plead to become these things but deep down my first reponse/thought/action is always the opposite of 1 Corinthians 13.

Bottom line, I don't like this about myself. In the past I've let self-pity and self-loathing cut me off from God. Tonight I just cried and prayed. Tonight I asked why. I don't think I've ever asked Him why before. Some might say you shouldn't ask why to God, but I feel that He is my father and I have a running conversation with Him. I can talk to Him about anything.

So I just cried my self-pity tears and told Him "Now God, YOU made me. Now why did you make me like this?" "Why is it such a struggle for me?" "Why is IT so hard?" "If there is so much value on love, why am I the opposite of it?"

And I love how God speaks to me. First it's like a whisper, it's soft and gentle. But what stands out the most is the peace I feel when He speaks to me. It's a perfect peace. That's the only way I can think to explain it. My whole soul stands still and breathes Him in. There's something addictive about His perfect peace.

Like a caress on my heart He spoke and said "I made you perfect. I made you exactly how I wanted you to be. You are not a mistake, I don't make mistakes. I made you so that you will need Me, so that you will constantly need to rely on Me. That is who I want you to be."

Isn't that amazing? This is something I'm going to need to think about! So first of all, He knows my very nature and He thinks it's perfect because He made me like this and it's exactly how He wants me to be! But here's the best part, it's for a reason! He made me so that I will SEE and FEEL how VERY much I need Him. This is a circle! There is nothing wrong with me! He made me! Ha!

He doesn't want me perfect! lol! That's not what He valvues in me! He delights when I NEED Him. When I ask for His help, when I rely on Him. He doesn't think this is weakness! It's beginning to dawn on me, that I can be a Christian all my life and I'm still going to be who He created, I'm still going to be me. The point isn't to change that, it's beginning to dawn on me that the whole point is to NEED Him.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

whose battle is this?

This past Sunday was my 3 year old daughter's first time in Sunday school class. She's always been in the nursery and recently turned 3 so I decided to try her out and see how she would do.

She did wonderful and learned so much in only one hour! I was very impressed.

Also this Sunday I was asked to teach that same preschool class one Sunday a month, I excitedly agreed. I'm so excited to get involved and have a ministry (besides Tuesday's Bible study.) I feel the Lord calling me to this.

However FEAR soon seeped into my soul and guess what FEAR does? It binds you up and cripples you. It overwhelms you and makes it so you stand still and hardly breath, it holds you captive.

FEAR said to me "what will your husband think? What will he do? What will he say when he finds out that xxxx(my daughter) is attending not nursery anymore but Sunday school, where they actually talk about God?" FEAR said to me "oh you are in for it." Like a snake, fear wrapped around my heart and squeezed hard.

The next day I mentioned to my SIL about xxx(my daughter) attending the preschool class at church and right away she said things like, "well I don't envy you. You certain have a battle before you. Your husband will freak out when he finds out. You have a huge battle before you." Again FEAR jumped out and gripped my heart with it's cold hand.

That night I was thinking about what my SIL said, about the battle before me. And all the sudden the Holy Spirit came to me and said "NOW WAIT A MINUTE!" This is NOT your battle this is the Lords! So I grabbed a hold of that and started praying.

Thank God for the Holy Spirit that speaks TRUTH into our minds and hearts. Through prayer and reading of the Word this is what He revealed to me: This is a BATTLE all right! But it's not Jennifer's battle! It is the Lords, He claims it and He's ready to fight! It's not my battle but I do have a job in it, it's my job in this battle to pray. And not just to pray but to pray with POWER through the Holy Spirit and in the powerful name of Jesus and to pray in TRUTH because the truth is on my side! And to pray with FAITH.

And so pray I did last night. My husband was out of town and so I got down in the Word. And I prayed in the Spirit. I bound up every stronghold against my husband by the name of Jesus. I put my hands on his pillow and prayed that when he put his head there later that night that by the power of Jesus, strongholds from Satan would be broken and the truth would set him free.

I know that Satan has used fear on me for awhile but the time has come where I have to choose between comfort and the truth, in my heart I know there is no other way but the truth.

2 Timothy 1:7 says For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.

And so with God fighting this battle I'm ready! I'm not afraid and fear has been cast aside. There is nothing to be afraid of, there is only ONE way this battle will end! And that is with God prevailing! I'm getting ready for my part (which is prayer) by reading the Word. Because how can you pray in TRUTH without the Word saturating your mind and soul? I'm using the Word to pray. Since the Word is alive then what better way to pray than by it's power?

Anybody out there want to use this prayer to fight a battle? I'm using 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 and this is how my prayer looks like: By the authority given to me by Jesus I pray this in His name: Satan I come against you in the name of Jesus 3For though I live in the world, I do not wage war as the world does. 4The weapons I fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds against my husband. 5I demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and I take captive every thought of my husband's to make it obedient to Christ.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

God is SO good!!!!

It seems fitting to direct this post to Him. Dear God, You are an amazing and wonderful God. I can hardly get past the wonder that You created Me so that I can know You and experience You! You are funny, You are loving and ever so kind! You are gentle and patient and laugh like a little child yet are so wise and all knowing. The depth of your personality makes me pant after You for more! I want more of You! How thrilling I can come directly to You and sit at Your feet in worship. I love you with all my heart, You are my Father. You fill me up with bubbles of love. You are perfect and as always You are genius! I love laughing with you. I love You! I love how Holy and perfect You are! To worship You is be with You! It's what You demand! Worship is what You want. How exciting is my relationship with You. You pour out Your love and in return I worship and adore You!

In my dark and difficult moments I cry out to Him and beg for His hand and His help. In my joyful moments I laugh with Him and sing to Him. He knows how wonderful He is, but He loves for me to tell Him!

Right now is a joyful moment in my life. We closed on our apartment and are settling into our rental apartment. We are very happy in our new place. Today I got teary-eyed thinking on this past year and how far He has brought me. Because for SURE the hand of the Lord has been on my life. I don't believe for a second all these blessings are coincidence!

In one year I've gone from the brink of divorce and abandonment to my marriage being restored and healed and my little family kept intact. We've gone from near bankruptcy to my husband getting a new job, selling our condo at top dollar and moving to a much bigger place. And that's just the big stuff. I've done lots of laughing with God this past year! You know what I've discovered? Blessings always come with laughter. I'm amazed to learn, He LOVES to bless His children! It brings Him pleasure! And do you know why? Because He is a GOOD God!